Upcycling

Now trending, as they say in media far less long-winded than I am, is “upcycling” – taking discarded or undervalued material and pushing it up the value ladder. While I can appreciate the conversion of old rubber tires into sturdy sandals, I have some problems with upcycling language. Take a look at this sign, which turns a regular old cup of coffee into something else:

Small batch?

Small batch?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess “small-batch” is one of those terms you’re supposed to see as worth at least a dollar more per cup. After all, “small” implies that most people are excluded. The fact that this sign appears on a worldwide chain of coffee shops is irrelevant, though ironic. And speaking of “shops,” note the upcycling of this name:

Add two letters and double the price.

Add two letters and double the price.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s another, for those of you who slap some polish on their fingertips (if that) and assume they’re ready for the runway:

Design team?

Design team?

 

Pause for a moment to  pity the team-less. To console themselves, they can go to a bar. Or, as the next sign indicates, they can visit a “taproom” where they have “craft beer” and, if I’m being grammatically picky (and I always am), a “craft kitchen,” whatever that means. Nowadays, “craft beer” frequently carries about as much meaning as “small batch,” given that conglomerates have taken over many of what used to local beer companies that really did make small batches.

P1010457

 

 

Not to belabor the point, which is already on overtime, here’s a sign that eschews (1) patriotism or (2) common sense by advocating “European Wax,” which is either a style of hair removal or a sticky product of bees residing abroad:

 

What's wrong with American wax?

What’s wrong with American wax?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I’ll stay home, make a small batch of coffee, and drink it in my craft kitchen. You’re welcome to join me.

 

Didn’t we win that war?

It’s been a long time since I studied American history, but until recently I was under the impression that we’d won the Revolutionary War. If we did, the Upper East Side apparently hasn’t gotten the message. Check out this sign from one of the local luxury food stores (yes, in this part of town there are several), which shall remain nameless to protect the pretentious:

Bespoke? Really?

Bespoke? Really?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not going to touch the “dissappoint,” misspelled words being beneath my notice (usually), but it is a nice touch. This sign first appeared as a simple sheet of paper, printed by someone who hadn’t worried about the wavy red spellcheck line under what should read “disappoint.” About a week ago the store had the sign framed and mounted under a container of melon cubes. The busy employees don’t have time to read the sign aloud, so I can’t make a joke about someone who “misspoke” about “bespoke.” Sigh. What I can do is compare “bespoke fruit baskets” to “custom-made” or “made-to-order” fruit selections. What’s the difference? About thirty bucks, give or take. It’s the British influence.  Associate a word with Colin Firth’s accent, and the price goes up.

The same principle is at work with “Stonehenge Realty,” a name I see on any number of NYC buildings. I would keep the name to myself, for the same reason I’m reserving identification of the foolish fruit-seller, but in this case the name itself is the point. Now don’t get me wrong. I have visited Stonehenge (the real thing, not the apartment buildings), and I’ve marveled at its power and history. But in New York? Can’t you just picture a real estate agent, Armani on and portfolio ready, extolling the virtues of living under a rock slab? “You’ll love the workmanship on this monolith,” the agent in my fantasy says, “and rocks are practically maintenance free. Of course, in December and June the Druids have access, but they add character, don’t you agree?”

Don’t think the tendency to turn to Britain for luxury references is purely a matter of money, with whoever names apartment buildings (and who does, do you know?) applying the names of economic powerhouses to their houses. If so, I’d expect to see the “Beijing” or possibly the “Riyadh.” If they’re out there, I can’t locate them. Nor is it a former colony’s desire to show reverence to the mother country. If it were, someone would be living in the “Chiapas,” because we beat Mexico in a war also. Okay, technically it was Spain, but don’t quibble.

No, it’s cultural bias, plain and simple, the same impulse that drives the ratings for Downton Abbey into the stratosphere. The Yanks won the war, but the British won the peace.

That’s it for today. I’m off to high tea.

Can’t we all just calm down?

In the spirit of “colossal olives,” which is marketing-speak for “large,” I’m seeing language moving up on the intensity meter. Nothing seems to be “good” anymore. Good is the new so-so, and fair is foul these days, as it was in Macbeth. I give my order to a waiter, who replies, “Awesome!” Somehow, the tuna-on-rye, though tasty, does not move me to awe. A simple “good choice” works just fine.

I was thinking about this intensification trend when I saw these signs. Here’s one demonstrating way too much enthusiasm:

Special isn't enough. They're going for "special!!!"

Special isn’t enough. They’re going for “special!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the masseuse feels that much passion, I doubt I want the service offered. The masseuse may be, well, a practitioner in another business entirely. On the other hand, the sign writer, not the masseuse, may be the overly enthusiastic one. After all, Massage Special!!! was on the same street as this awning:

Note the name of this deli.

Note the name of this deli.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder who owns this deli? The artist once “formerly” and then again known as Prince? I also wonder how  employees answer the phone. “Hello, this is !!!!!”? How exactly do you pronounce five exclamation points?

Or six?

exclamation points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to calm, down, people. Or perhaps I should say, in the spirit of the age, “Time to calm down, people!!!!!!!”

Hallucinations for sale

I’ve been “collecting” signs for a while. This post is a mix of old and new sightings in the category labeled “Huh?” that I add to nearly every day.  First up is a store that specializes in hallucinations. Does the DEA know?

Top quality visions only.

Top quality visions only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next is something my friend Michael sent me, with the email subject line “Word Crime.” Isn’t it wonderful to hydrate yourself for your entire lifetime for only $1.95? Quite a bargain.

free water

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Below is another puzzle. We buy cash in exchange for cash?  And then there are the “old boyfriends.” (Young boyfriends, I guess, don’t count.)  Also, even if you insert an apostrophe and exchange your “old boyfriend’s jewelry” (singular) or “old boyfriends’ jewelry” (plural), aren’t you stealing the old guy’s jewelry? In the face of larceny, I won’t mention the missing comma after “gold” or the period that should follow “diamonds.” Should I be surprised that the store went out of business?

Turn your cash into cash? Not to mention your old boyfriends.

Turn your cash into cash? Not to mention your old boyfriends.

 

Unwinding 5000 Games

In the “what on earth does that mean?” category, here is the latest batch of signs  to stop me in my tracks. Once more I admit (maybe submit?) to the title “Grumpy Grammarian,” but really, what are these people trying to say?

First up is a poster in the window of a small copy shop in midtown:

Window tint print here?

Window tint print here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After three or four visits to this block (no, I’m not that obsessive about signs, but one of my favorite bars is nearby), I finally decided that window tint print is the sort of film that sits on a window and lets some light through — enough light so that whoever buys it can claim that it doesn’t detract from the experience of, for example, a tourist peering through a shrink-wrapped  bus.  I guess imagination applies to the message on the window tint, and protection is the window tint itself. And what’s with the new? Was the old window tint inferior? Nonexistent? Feel free to come up with your own interpretation. Stop by the shop to see whether you’ve guessed correctly. (Then hit the bar across the street. It serves good beer.)

Next up is this neon sign, glowing prettily and selling — well, I don’t know what this store is selling. Does anyone know what “computer color graphic out put” is?

Out. Put.

Out. Put.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re going to invest in neon signage, it might be a good idea to check your message. What are you putting and where, exactly, is out? Maybe they mean that you upload a color image (a graphic) and then it’s printed? Or beamed directly to the intended viewers’ eyeballs? (Targeted marketing, you know, is trending.)

The next sign has the advantage of being crystal clear, if somewhat unwelcoming. Not for New Yorkers those syrupy signs saying “I heart you” or “NYC hearts all those annoying tourists who bump into us natives on the sidewalk or hesitate two nanoseconds on the coffee shop line.” This one displays New York snark, my favorite tone:

 

New York does not  "heart" you.

New York does not
“heart” you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One last sign. I don’t mind being commanded to play. I’m totally fine with the order to dine. But how do you unwind games? And not to be picky (okay, to be super-picky), the sign should read “more than” 5000 games, not “over.” (More than or fewer than is the expression you want for things you can count. Over and under work for quantities you measure.)

unwind

 

 

I’m “minutes away” from giving up on properly written signs. Join me there whenever you like.

Dash to —

In Seattle’s Museum of Flight one wall features photos of important people. Beneath each smiling face you see the date of birth and, sometimes, the date of death. I found this wall unsettling, but not because of the reminder that death exists. It’s hardly a surprise to see a date when someone has “shuffled off this earthly coil,” as Hamlet says. The shock is that the living are represented by their birthdate and then a simple dash into, well, blankness. That dash set me thinking.

A hyphen, the shortest punctuation mark in the horizontal-line category, generally links one thing to another. A first-base coach, for example, is the guy standing near first base. The first base-coach, presumably someone who rode a horse to the game, was likely the earliest baseball guy to determine that runners were too dumb to know whether to steal or stay put. He may have stood near either first base or third. (I’m assuming mid-field help, next to second base, has never been allowed.) Here’s a sign with conjoined, hyphenated descriptions:

one-of-a-kind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


This “build-a-Jewel” bar offers a “one-of-a-kind” and “hands-on” experience.  Hyphens may also appear at the end of a line too short to contain an entire word. In that position, they break the word into two pieces but give a sense of continuation. I wouldn’t mind having my life represented by a hyphen, as I enjoy making connections.

But this is a post about dashes, not hyphens. What copy editors and printers call an em dash is the longest horizontal line. (It’s usually a solid line, but given the limitations of this computer program, I’ll make an em dash out of three consecutive hyphens. What you see depends on the device you’re reading this post on.) An em dash inserts an interrupter into the flow of a sentence: Margot bought ten pounds of cheese — Henry having apparently inherited his food preferences from a rat — and stowed them in her refrigerator. An em dash also indicates a thought that has been broken off, presumably with the possibility of continuing someday: Percival muttered, “I don’t know how she —” and slammed the door.

What I saw in Seattle’s fine museum was a line that was longer than a hyphen but shorter than an em dash, an en dash. (Bowing again to my computer, I’ll use two hyphens as an en dash. As before, I’m not sure what you’ll see.) En dashes show a range, usually from one number (such as a date) to another. They always have a beginning point, but they also always have an endpoint. An en dash is finality writ small; the punctuation mark tells you, beyond a doubt, that what starts must finish: On sale Monday – Thursday! Hurry in before prices double! En dashes close off; they limit possibility. Nothing beats the finality of an en dash, not even a period, which may after all simply divide one sentence from another.

All these nuances of punctuation turn the photos in the Museum of Flight into a statement about life. Left alone, hanging there just after the birthdate, en dashes shout carpe diem, because you’ll be gone. You just don’t know when. Personally, I’d like my birthdate to precede an em dash, trailing possibility like puffs of smoke from an airplane into — well, who knows?  Or, my em dash may be the ultimate interrupter, showing that my little life is an insertion into something much, much bigger. Either way, I’m part of something, even though (in Hamlet’s words again) it’s “the undiscovered Country, from whose bourn / No traveler returns.”

Working to Change That

Maybe it’s because I spent too much of my early adulthood listening to suburban relatives complain about New York City, which was then and is now my home. Maybe it’s because too many people I’ve met on my travels through small towns ask me whether I’ve been mugged, once they learn that I am from New York City. Regardless of the reason, a tagline on public radio really hit me in the gut. With the name changed to protect the innocent, here is what a smooth, sophisticated voice announced this morning on NPR: “Two thirds of diabetics live in cities. Big Drug Company is working to change that.”

Come again? Are they handing out coupons for discount relocation services? Lining up vans at clinics? Hop on. Leave the city! Your blood sugar will be normal again! Is that what Big Drug Company is saying?

The more likely explanation, of course, is that whoever writes for Big Drug Company is grammatically challenged when it comes to pronouns, not an urbanophobe (a term I just made up). That should refer to one noun (either singular or plural), not to a clause such as two thirds of diabetics live in cities. Even when you untangle the grammar, Big Drug Company’s message is still unclear. Has the company sent representatives with insulin pumps to crowded areas? Are employees standing on street corners, waiting to take your blood like some sort of urban vampire squad? Or is Big Drug Company placing posters in subways, urging people to take Big Drug Company’s health advice (and buy its products)? Their contribution to public radio apparently wasn’t enough to buy time for more details.

To be fair to Big Drug Company (not to mention public radio), I must admit that pronouns attract errors the way spilled syrup draws flies. I often see sentences resembling this one: “George told his brother that he was an idiot.” What do you think happened next? Did the brother land a punch on George’s nose, screaming, “How dare you insult me?” Perhaps the brother threw his arms around George and said, “You’re too hard on yourself, Bro. You aren’t an idiot. You’re just stupid.” The vague pronoun he leaves you wondering.

Wondering, like diabetes, drug companies, and interpersonal fights, is not a good idea. I think we should work, as Big Drug Company says, “to change that.”

I’ll let you decide what that is.

For want of a hyphen, the meaning was lost

Hyphens sometimes seem like relics from the Age of Typewriters, when you had to hit a metal lever to roll the paper to a new line when you reached the right-hand margin, even if you were in the middle of a word. The hyphen told your reader that you weren’t finished yet and that the rest of the word was on the way. (Why do I feel I should explain iceboxes and record players next?) Word-processing programs move the whole word automatically when a margin is about to be breached, so hyphens have lost importance. They’re still around, though, creating compound words. Or at least, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Take a look:

Experienced sales? Sales-help?

Experienced sales? Sales-help?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I caught sight of this sign while I was walking on First Avenue. I doubled back to figure out what “experienced sales” were. Sales that had seen a lot of life and now had a world-weary, been-there-done-that attitude? Sales that know the lady holding a bagel, venti soy latte, and cell phone is automatically bad news? Or was “sales” meant to be read all by itself as a new, nonsexist term for the older terms “salesman” and “saleslady”? A hyphen between sales and help would link those words and clarify the meaning.

All is not lost on the hyphen front, however. Here’s one that works:

 

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Aware to the NYC Information Agency!

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Award to the NYC Information Center!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shout-out to the NYC agency that made one description out of two words, one and stop. Shouts (actually yells) to the laundry that mangled this sign:

 

Laundry machine? Machine press?

Laundry machine? Machine press?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s a laundry machine? Or a hand press? Yes, I know I’m grumpy grammarian again, because I did eventually figure out that machine press is the opposite of hand press. I’m still not over skirt plested in the top right column, but as soon as it stops raining, I plan to run out to buy two politically correct pajams.

To exit on a high note, here’s a truck with three (count ’em) correct hyphens, which create two compound adjectives:

do-it-yourself

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re relocating to New-York (the older form of this city’s name), consider this company. They may ruin your furniture (or you may do that yourself), but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that the hyphens on the truck are in the proper spots.

 

 

 

 

Missing and presumed . . .

Adding to the pretension stalking New York menus, my favorite bar has taken to posting prices like 3.5 and 1.5 after a detailed description of its artisanal pretzels and available toppings. I can only assume that the printer – actually a photocopier – charges by the character, so the missing zeroes are a sign of thrift, not a way to show you that this is not any ordinary bar, but one with originality (and expensive side snacks). Which would be true if 2.5 dollars’ worth of potato chips were not part of a larger pattern of missing letters and numbers. This sign, for example, kept me scratching my head for a few minutes:

N = ?

N = ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

N? Seriously? I objected (and actually still object) to shortening “and” to ‘n, which is a glorified grunt, but without the apostrophe all you’ve got is a letter. Also, what does “now” mean in this context? Were they going to place polish later? Earlier?

But back to the missing. Take a look at this sign:

Apostrophes AWOL as usual

Apostrophes AWOL as usual

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apostrophes are so often misused that finding mistakes with them is like shooting fish in a barrel. (Does anyone do that, by the way? Besides being unfair to fish, wouldn’t the barrel leak with a bullet hole in it?) Here the sign should read “men’s” and, ideally, “women’s and men’s.” I’m pretty sure of that fact, but I have no idea how “weaving” can be gendered. But then again, I know grammar, not fishing, shooting, or weaving.

This gem adds instead of subtracts. Focus on the hyphen:

 

A bar-deli?

A bar-deli?

 

 

I still can’t imagine what a bar-deli is, unless it’s a spot to knock back a beer while your salami is sliced and your macaroni salad weighed. And what’s with “produce”? Your guess is as good as mine, but I’m guessing that you can’t find anything cheaper than $5.5 at this Upper East Side bar-deli.

No problem? Problem!

In the supermarket where I have shopped for years, I hand my money to the cashier, and she returns my change. “Thank you,” I say, as I always do. She replies, “No problem.” No problem? Yes, I know that it is not a problem for her to give me my money. The change belongs to me, and it’s her job to return it. How is there no problem in doing one’s job? I think all these things, but I don’t say anything because I’ve known her for years, and she’s a very nice lady. I walk out of the store wondering why the old response to thank you, which is you’re welcome, has faded and why no problem has taken its place.

I have a couple of theories. The swiftest glance at the news immediately reveals that “problem” is the word of the day, every day, in pretty much every part of the world. I don’t know how you feel, but increasingly I have the sense that I can effect very little change (of money or anything else). Perhaps no problem has become a way of saying that yes, in this area I’m in charge, and there’s no problem I can’t fix. The tiny assertion of control in this sense can be powerfully comforting.

Another possibility arises from the fact that customers in New York City are not known for their placid, patient demeanor. A “New York minute” lasts about five nanoseconds, and the chin-out, baseball-cap- twisted-backwards style of confrontation was invented here — or, if not invented, at least perfected. So thank you may be a nice change, a respite in the semi-mythical land of no problem. Maybe no problem is short for I have no problem with you, though I do have problems with pretty much everyone else.

You’re welcome may have lost favor because it comes from a different time and emotional place.  Perhaps it implies that you are here, and I’m glad you’re here, and you are welcome to this service, however small. In this struggling economy, that’s a good statement for a business owner to make. But it’s a stretch for staff who are overworked (how many layoffs have dumped additional tasks on remaining employees?) and underpaid (where did unions go?). Gratitude for having a job may be overwhelmed by anger at the amount of  work and compensation.

I can’t leave this topic without mentioning the equivalent terms in Spanish, as I’ve just returned from a week in Madrid. “Gracias” is the Spanish word for “thanks.”  The root word is related to “grace,” “gift,” “ease,” and “humor.” The response in Spanish is “de nada” (“of nothing,” literally) or “nada” (“nothing”). A variation is “no hay de que” (“there’s nothing to speak of”). Gracias implies that the person being thanked has been given something joyful. The responses signal that really, nothing much happened. In other words – there’s no problem.

For the record, I favor a return to you’re welcome. I’d like to believe that the store employees want me there, and not just for my business. Yes, that’s delusional, but it’s also human.