Tag Archives: silly signs

Recommendations

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Today’s post offers recommendations for ordinary people, all levels of government, and the US military. The first is for those seeking entry to this shop:

Should you PUSH or PULL? English generally reads from left to right, so the bi-color message DON’T PULL / PUSH ONLY makes sense. But because the colors create columns, you can also read it as DON’T PUSH / PULL ONLY. I recommend you stand nearby until someone exits. Then simply slip through the open door.

Different store, same problem:

Which takes precedence: the official blue AmX sticker telling you to Push or the green-paper Please DO NOT!!! PUSH THE DOOR? As with the other sign, I recommend you wait for someone else to solve the problem. I also recommend a tax on exclamation points. The first one would be free, with a $10 charge for each additional point. It’s a win-win situation. Either the deficit will plummet or public discourse will calm down. Government officials, are you listening?

Here’s a risky sign I spotted eight years ago. To this day it remains in front of the United Nations:

Obey the wrong sign and you risk a ticket (if you’re lucky) or a crash (if you aren’t). I recommend you park your car and walk.

This recommendation is for the military’s newest branch:

Space Force, we need an investigation into satellites being held above Midtown.

I’d like to end this post on a positive note. Here’s a clear, polite sign sent by my friend Constance:

My final recommendation: send me all the silly signs you spot!

In Praise of Pickiness

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Punctuation: very small marks governed by a very big set of rules, many of which don’t even have the grace to stay the same from one country to another. Caring about hyphens and apostrophes takes pickiness to a new height, doesn’t it? Yet I can’t help wishing that someone had edited these headlines and labels a little more carefully.

I dare you to decode this one on first reading:

I’ve read it several times, as well as the accompanying article, and I still don’t know who’s who and where they are. I get that someone’s in-house and someone’s at home, and I’m sure that neither is Nureyev, the ballet superstar who died in 1993. Also, why hyphenate in-house? A small consolation is that the apostrophe is used correctly. Not so in this label:

I don’t know how many coffee beans are in the jar, but I do know that I don’t want to be our (or anyone’s) guess. Nor do I want to make 3 guess’s.

If only I could poach the apostrophe from guess’s and insert it below:

Your more? Advertiser, you’re better than that! And if you’re not — well, call me picky, but in that case I’d rather be just a number.

What’s For Lunch?

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In my neighborhood, just about every store that isn’t a nail salon is a restaurant. Thus it’s not surprising that enterprising food purveyors do whatever they can to entice customers, including displaying these signs:

The price of one of these LUNCH SPECIALS ($15) isn’t unreasonable in New York City, especially considering that they’re offering WOODFIRED SANDWICHES, which are . . . well, I don’t know what they are. Bread charred by burning branches? Unemployed victims of forest downsizing?

My friend Catherine sent this one:

I had no opportunity to speak with the SANDWITCH, who I assume was selling a consultation lasting as long as it takes to drink a cup of FREE COFFEE. If I had, I would have asked about the accuracy of the spells in Harry Potter as well as the rationale for enclosing FREE COFFEE in quotation marks. Perhaps the brew isn’t actually COFFEE?

I should note that the prices listed below have increased since I snapped the photo:

Inflation or not, who could resist an offer to DESIGNED YOUR OWN SALAD? Also, 16 oz (ounces) equals one pound. Thus the restaurant is offering a one-, two-, or three-pound salad, each with 1 meat and unlimited vege. I must ask: Who has room for much (many?) vege after eating three pounds of DESIGNED SALAD?

Last one:

If Mom gets Fri, who gets all the other days? I’m a Mom, but I prefer Tuesdays. Can non-Moms get the LUNCH Special on Fri?

My advice is to choose a restaurant carefully, eat well, and in the spirit of today’s MLK holiday, find a way to work for a more just world.

Simple Gifts

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With their variety of holidays, December and January form a season of presents. I’ve been thinking about a few simple gifts our pained world needs. Here’s one:

You could read this sign as an admonition, a short of “shhh” to shelled species who aren’t all that noisy anyway. But I prefer to think of Turtle Pond as A Quiet Zone for thinking. The gift of reflection.

Food’s on my list, too. Not the pretentious, overpriced stuff on sale in my neighborhood’s food boutiques, but basics for the underfed:

Granted, the sign doesn’t specify what’s in the yard of food, but surely there’s some nutrition? I’m hoping the money the shop did not spend on a competent sign-writer went to quality ingredients. The gift of nourishment.

The next one’s more personal:

Who doesn’t need a Relationship Manager? Everyone I know, not to mention a number of governments, could benefit from understanding that our fates are intertwined. I fantasize that the Relationship Manager would deliver this message with in a firm, parental tone. Then, like chastened children, we’d slink back from the brink of destruction we’re currently dancing on. The gift of safety.

I end this post, and this year, with the gift I received last week. My family and I were at a holiday parade. We had arrived late and couldn’t penetrate the crowd. My six-year-old granddaughter had a great view of knees and coat hems but no chance of seeing the marchers. But then a boy in front — on crutches, perhaps ten years old — noticed her. Instantly he offered her his spot. There are good people in the world, I realized. He gave me the gift of hope.

May you have that, and more, in 2024.

Technical Difficulties

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I’ve been thinking about technical difficulties lately, perhaps because I’ve had a few. When I sat down to write this post an hour ago, for example, Word Press was down. It came back more quickly than my bank account, which went into a tizzy after someone tried to access it fraudulently. No harm done in either case, fortunately. I’m not sure the same is true at this shop:

First of all, this situation is unfair to anyone without a credit card or an item to barter. Second, what’s TECHNICAL about CASH? You put your hand out, someone puts the money in it, and you’re done. Okay, there’s recordkeeping, but are their pencils having TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, too?

This sign, sent by my friend Catherine, has another sort of technical problem:

Granted, it’s not too hard to figure out the identity of the missing letter — though I spent an enjoyable half hour imagining alternatives, such as FIRE DOOD (alternate spelling for the Big Lebowski), FIRE MOOD (blazing? glowing?) and FIRE GOOD (arsonist’s motto). What intrigues me is why just one letter is missing. Do the other letters have more stamina? Did the flames hop from the E in FIRE to the next word? Maybe it’s something about W. That’s one of my initials, but I promise you I didn’t swipe the letter. I can’t vouch for my relatives, though. My best guess is that there were technical difficulties with the glue.

Whoever issued this press release in December 2020 is unlikely to accept a flimsy excuse about technical difficulties. Read it carefully:

Swapping a period for the comma after inaugurated: Now that’s precise editing! The next time I encounter technical difficulties, I want the person who corrected the pool report on my team.

Healthful?

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Shortly after the most candy-full day of the year, it seems appropriate to consider products that are healthful — or rather, products marketed that way. Starting at the top:

Number 1. Okay, I’m interested, but I would like to know the nature of the list this juise man tops. Every cart on the Upper West Side corner where he sells a smoothie that is all natural no sugar no milk? Every cart in the city (or world or universe)? The smoothie itself sounds healthful enough, though again I’d like more information. Lots of unhealthful things are all natural — uranium, for example.

This sign’s from Seattle:

How does one know, exactly, whether bees are happy? From the buzz? Antenna motion? Do NW bees smile? I admit I know nothing about bees‘ moods, but I would have thought they’d be unhappy if someone swiped their honey. Maybe there’s a profit-sharing plan.

Same supermarket, different product:

Plant-Based sounds nutritious, doesn’t it? But I have to ask: Is there a non-Plant-Based Pizza? Made on, say, cardboard or steak?

Last sign, courtesy of my brother-in-law:

Good to know that there isn’t even one Vegan in this Gel. Or perhaps the Gel is Free to any random Vegan passing the salon?

As always, theories welcome. See what you can come up with as you nibble away at your Halloween candy.

Dates

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I keep both an electronic and a paper calendar. That’s a bad system, because I sometimes forget to enter an event on one of them and commit myself to existing in two places at the same time. Thus I’m sympathetic to anyone who messes up a schedule — within limits. These signs definitely do NOT fall within those limits.

Whoever wrote this sign didn’t memorize the “Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November” jingle that I learned in elementary school.

Note to self (on both calendars): Avoid this street every September 31st.

This sign, posted in London, has a similar problem:

I thought the longest night of the year was December 21st, the winter solstice, but apparently it’s 29 Septermeber, which has 3 nights tucked into one date. Or perhaps the road closing begins on 29 Septermeber and lasts until Septermeber 31?

Moving from days to weeks:

There may be Only One NYC RESTAURANT WEEK because that week lasts for a very long time.

This advertisement, which I found in a catalog, stumps me:

I can’t make the numbers add up. From 1983 to 2023, I count 40 YEARS. So far, so good. But how does that connect to aptly named 1963 — a date plastered on all the clothing? Maybe the jackets are half as large as they should be (half of the 40-year span of A WINDPROOF, WATERPROOF LEGEND)? Theories welcome, as long as you send them in before the deadline, which is next September (Septermeber) 31st.

Human — Nature

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The relationship between humans and Nature is fraught at the best of times — times we are certainly not in, as this summer’s storms, wildfires, and heat waves make abundantly clear. Yet we humans hold fast to the illusion of control:

You can fence off a lawn, as the NYC Parks Department did, thereby limiting but not eliminating human access. (The day I snapped this photo, several people had hopped the sagging fence.) But the lawn itself can’t be closed. Somewhere under those beige blades are roots, which are open for business until Mother Nature decides otherwise. Also, the word renovation implies a plan that Nature will follow. That’s an idea in need of renovation.

Another Parks Department sign:

What’s a passive lawn? One that doesn’t photosynthesize? Also, what does an active lawn do? Are any sports truly inactive? (Feel free to post answers.)

Better signs focus on human behavior, as this one from Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo does:

Wisely, the zookeepers aren’t telling the porcupine how to behave. Instead, the sign addresses any humans dumb enough to consider reaching for a quill.

Same zoo, another message for human visitors:

Not only the wolves would be grateful for compliance: I prefer not to stand next to a howling person. How about you?

Close, But No Cigar

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Back in the we-didn’t-know-tobacco-causes-cancer era, many traveling carnivals offered cigars as prizes. Near misses garnered only a sympathetic statement, “Close, but no cigar.” I can’t say I blame the carnival workers. In my business (grammar), close isn’t good enough either. Witness this sign, which my granddaughter spotted:

I’m ignoring the substitution of U for “you.” Shortened texting forms are conquering the language, and, to borrow a phrase from Star Trek, resistance is futile. But CLOSE is an actual word, with an actual meaning that doesn’t match the sign’s intended message. CLOSE or far away — who cares where the storekeeper is? Shoppers simply want a place that’s open.

Alaska Airlines posted this card on a breakfast buffet:

I’ll pause for a moment so you can imagine my impassioned rant about apostrophes inappropriately tasked with making a word plural. All done? Good, because I want to talk about vowels, specifically the A that’s missing from Rosted (Roasted) and the E that doesn’t appear in Potato’s, which should, of course, be Potatoes. Alaska Airlines, if I proofread your signs, will you give me free flights?

Not just a letter but a whole word went AWOL from this sign:

IT’S TIME TO what YOUR EVENTS? To forget about, ignore, run screaming from, enjoy? And what is a SEMI-PRIVATE? Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Last one:

Note to the signwriter: Good job on the apostrophe in WE’RE. Not so good on WALKIN!! Two exclamation points do not a complete word make, even when they’re gold and pink. I’ll end this post now so you can picture what SPECIAL WALKIN!! looks like. In my mind’s eye, it’s a cross between an amble and a strut. Or perhaps it’s something different. Whether I’m correct or just close, don’t bother offering me a cigar!

Non-Moving Vehicles

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For a city well-supplied with public transportation, New York devotes a large amount of signage to parking. I won’t post the ordinary this-is-when-you-get-towed signs (too boring, also sometimes inaccurate). Nor will I dip into history, such as former Mayor Ed Koch’s early 80s “Don’t Even Think About Parking Here” campaign. Instead, I’ll focus on weird elements of the genre I’ve seen recently, such as this one:

Every time I walk past this Garage, I wonder why someone felt the need to insert Temporarily. If the Garage is permanently Full, wouldn’t the sign say “Residents Only” or “Private Parking”? Also, does the sign writer think anything in life is permanent? I certainly don’t, least of all a parking spot in the crowded borough of Manhattan.

Here’s a sign posted next to a train station:

As I read it, you get FREE PARKING on all SUNDAYS & HOLIDAYS, but on only one measly SATURDAY — ever! My advice is to choose your day wisely. You don’t want to blow your free-Saturday card on a ten-minute errand.

Parking signs, by the way, presume a public that actually cares. In New York, that’s not always the case:

It’s a bit fuzzy, so I’ll reproduce the words on the sign next to the car blocking a building entrance: DO NOT BLOCK BUILDING ENTRANCE.

Not only cars bring out NYC rebellion:

Notice all the bicycles neatly lined up in the NO BICYCLES enclosure.

One more:

You can’t go wrong at this intersection. You can’t go right, either, but as I established with the previous two photos, New Yorkers don’t care.