Why are writers so drawn to repetition? Is it the worry that one word won’t get the meaning across? (Maybe that’s why “tense and nervous” is such a popular expression!) Granted, repetition can be beautifully emphatic and reassuring, but these signs go a little too far.
Here’s one I spotted on a restroom door:
I had intended to close door open before reading this sign, but I was persuaded to close door shut instead.
This notice frequently pops up when I’m scrolling through articles classified as “breaking news”:
New updates are so much better than old updates, don’t you think?
Now for a hotel ad:
What’s the difference between a short 5 minute walk and a long 5 minute walk? I’d like Einstein to weigh in on the relativity aspect, but he’s not available. Any physicist reading this post is welcome to offer an explanation.
These days, when friends ask me how I am, I offer an overly dramatic account of my recent bout with Covid, for which a boxing referee would immediately award Covid a TKO. It’s taken me three weeks to get off the mat . . . er, sofa. (See what I mean about overly dramatic?) Unable to pursue my usual pastimes, I’ve been combing through my backlog of photos. Here are a few I find questionable, in that each gives rise to a number of queries.
Take this one, for example:
Is there anyone walking around with only half a head? If so, are highlights really that person’s biggest concern? Also, if you blowdry half a head, does the other half stay wet?
Next up is a photo snapped by my friend Orli Shaham, a renowned pianist:
Her comment: “They must be delicious after they’ve been smoked.” My question: Is this concert venue affiliated with the restaurant in my neighborhood that keeps trying to hire a grilled man?
In these troubled times, most of us have questions about the future. I certainly do, along with a couple of questions about this sign:
My questions: How much for a regular Palm? And who decides whether someone has a Special Palm?
Last one, an excerpt from a letter a co-op board sent to my friend Constance:
Question from Michael, Constance’s husband: What do we do when we have used up both hands? My questions: Do waived hands hang out with waived rights? Or does the building management confiscate hands that have been waived? Actually, scratch that last question. I don’t want to know.
I do want you to send me photos, if you spot any questionable signs. Be well!
Inflation is real, but bargains still exist. Take this one, for instance, an offer from a coffee shop:
Only $1.95 for a lifetime’s worth of water! The downside is obvious, though. All those plastic bottles are (a) terrible for the environment and (b) time-consuming to uncap.
At first glance, this too is a spectacular bargain:
A refrigerator pre-filled w/Food? Excellent! Or awful, depending on the kind of food in the refrigerator and the customer’s taste. What if you open the 4-Dr to find only brussels sprouts? I happen to like brussels sprouts, but I know some people would prefer to eat almost any other vegetable, including the plastic ones that toddlers play with. And how much food are we talking about? One pork chop? A whole roasted pig? At 27.8-cu ft, this refrigerator could hold either.
“Time is money,” as the saying goes, so this too is a bargain:
Long week.
A WEEK that runs from Aug 11 — Sept 11 gives you thirty days for the price of seven. Not bad. Unless, of course, you get paid by the week.
This sign is from a store specializing in bargains:
Not to be a party pooper, but how can something cost More & Less A Dollar? I suspect the shop owner means More or LessA Dollar, but that’s not helpful either. Every price in the universe is More or Less than A Dollar. And if you apply that formula, does an item that sells for $10 elsewhere cost $11 or $9 here?
I’m shopping for another bargain: your photos of silly signs. Send them to me at grammarianinthecity@outlook.com. For me they’ll be free — truly a bargain.
I can’t be sure who sponsored, created, posted, or, in one instance, chalked these signs. I can only tell you what I assume. The first arrived via my friend Constance:
Cuisine by Emily Bronte? After she finished writing Wuthering Heights?
I spotted this one on First Avenue:
I assume this declaration comes from Rene Magritte, who needed a change after painting this:
The next one was posted on the window of a nearly empty store:
As you see, the Creative Preposition Society is taking its business OT a new location. Or maybe UP OT?
My friend Deborah found this one:
Spa amenities provided by the Passive-Aggressive Association, don’t you think?
I assume you spot some odd signs, too. Please take a moment to send them to me at grammarianinthecity@outlook.com.
Living in New York City has taught me that just about anything is possible. I’ve witnessed — really, I have ! — a pedestrian taking advantage of a rainstorm to shampoo her hair, a subway argument being simultaneously translated into Chinese, Spanish, and Russian by fellow passengers, and a briefcase-toting adult wearing a tutu. Somehow, though, I can’t see the messages on these signs as anything other than unlikely, if not impossible.
First up is a sign I spotted at my local farmers’ market:
I’m not much of a drinker, but I can see the appeal of Locally sourced Whiskey, be it Single Malt or Peated. What makes me groan is Grown. (Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.) Is there a field of Whiskey bushes sprouting near NYC? Near anywhere? Or are we talking about inebriated ghosts who live locally?
My older granddaughter spotted this sign and highlighted the phrase Costumers Only:
Unlikely restriction, for sure. What also catches my attention is the command to STOP UTENSIL SPAM. Is the store campaigning against ultra-processed, canned ham? Unlikely. But so is the only alternative. According to my dictionary, SPAM refers to a large-scale email campaign. Who knew that a UTENSIL could access a computer! I wonder what sort of message a UTENSIL would send out. An invitation to the Tine-Appreciation Society? A public service announcement about sharp plastic knives?
One more:
This restaurant has been Grand Opening since 1991. That has to be a world record.
In the likely event that you come across an unlikely message on a sign, please send me a photo.
I spend a lot of time watching detective shows. (Side point: Be super alert if you live in or visit a picturesque British village. The murder rate there seems to be extremely high.) On most shows, the answers are clear by the end of the episode. Maybe that’s why I like to watch them: I’m a fan of certainty, which is definitely not a characteristic of the signs in this post.
First up is a notice I spotted on the door of a tenement in my neighborhood. For non-NYers, I should explain that many NYC restaurants, hoping to attract takeout customers, hire people to distribute paper menus to apartment buildings. It’s not uncommon for residents to wade through piles of paper between the outer, unlocked door and the inner, key-only entry. Annoying for sure, but I must admit I can’t imagine any scenario that fits this sign:
DANGER? Really? There might be DANGER if MENUS are present, because someone might slip on an unsteady pile. But surely there’s no DANGER in NO MENUS? Oh, wait! I just thought of a DANGER. With NO MENUS, someone might actually have to cook. But what’s with the graphic on the left? It looks like a cross between the “OK” sign and the “slippery surface” image, and I’m completely stumped.
This one was across the street from my favorite farmers’ market:
First, UWS is short for “Upper West Side,” a Manhattan neighborhood. Second, this sign appears on a store that will begin selling beauty products in SUMMER 2024.. All that is clear. But what is The Viral Hand Cream? A cream containing viruses? If so, which ones? I am not a fan of e-Coli or Covid. Somehow, I don’t think I’m alone in that opinion.
This last sign was taped to a glass-fronted cabinet next to the door of a restaurant. Inside the cabinet was a menu, perhaps banished to that location after putting apartment dwellers in DANGER:
What needs to be in Print? How many copies are required? Who’s supposed to do the job? Does Kinko’s offer onsite visits — photocopying housecalls, so to speak? And why would someone use this method to communicate?
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This old adage advocates not only persistence but also repetition. And unlike many counselors, the adage follows its own advice, doubling up on try. Is repetition a good idea in signs? I’ll let you decide after you take a look at these.
Jenny, a student in my writing class at Hugo House (www.hugohouse.org), sent me this one:
Technically this sign isn’t repetitive, because PRICE changes to Prices as the font grows. Why? That’s a puzzle, as is the whole sign. What’s with all the empty space and the solitary O? And why repeat? Perhaps for emphasis: “Hey, customer, we really mean it!” Maybe to scold: “Had you listened the first time, we wouldn’t have to tell you again.” Either way, the punctuation in the last line is a problem. Quotation marks most often indicate the reproduction of someone’s exact words. However, quotation marks can also distance the quoter from the quotation, the visual equivalent of a wink and a nod: “We say LOW PRICE but we actually charge double. And just try cashing in on our GUARANTEE!” A third possibility is that the sign writer followed the recent trend that employs quotation marks as attention-getters. I’m not happy with that usage. It’s hard enough, these days, to separate fact from fiction.
Moving on, here’s a sign I spotted in a dry-cleaning shop:
Why make two statements about PERC? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t NO PERC ODOR a given when there’s NO PERC? Or does someone sell PERC ODOR to people who enjoy chemical smells but don’t want the liver and kidney damage that PERC brings?
This sign’s repetition is the least of its problems:
So they BUY . . . CASH for CA$H? Good to know, though I’m left wondering what the exchange rate is when you convert CASH to CA$H. What really bothers me, though, is the offer to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS JEWELRY INTO CA$H. If the statement has something to do with ownership, it should read BOYFRIEND’SJEWELRY or, for someone with an active dating life, BOYFRIENDS’JEWELRY (the plural possessive).Do I have to point out that turning someone else’s adornments into CA$H is theft? Worse than the apostrophe error is the possibility that AND might be missing from the space between FRIENDS and JEWELRY. Even if you hate your OLD BOYFRIENDS, you can’t swap them for CA$H. You really can’t!
A large number of signs advertise products or services of extraordinary value — or so they’d like you to believe. These more modest and likely more accurate signs are a refreshing counterpoint. First up is a notice posted on a building undergoing renovation:
Who indeed! I’d like to hire that contractor for my next project. The work may drag on, but at least I’ll have advance warning.
Next is a restaurant sign:
PRETTY HEALTHY FOOD is good enough for me, and probably more nutritious than more pretentiously labeled fare (artisanal, handcrafted, bespoke, etc.)
This merchant, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie:
Sign up for this EXCLUSIVE OFFER and receive ten letters, one per month, from the likes of George Washington and John F. Kennedy. The photo quality isn’t great, so I’ll retype the key phrase here: ORIGINAL REPRODUCTION. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’m glad the seller hasn’t robbed the National Archives or hired ghost writers. Actual ghosts, given the dearly departed status of the authors.
Last, and anything but least, is this correction issued by a media outlet in late 2020, before Kamala Harris took office:
Who knew that punctuation was audible to this degree of accuracy? I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth, really. Let me rephrase: I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth. Really.
The title of this post is a question because, well, these menu items are questionable. First up is a sign my granddaughter spotted. Check out the second-to-last line in the first column:
For the record, the topping we chose for our pizza was Cheese, not Grandma. We prefer not to eat relatives.
Nor did I order the last beverage on this menu:
I can put up with lousy tea if I’m really thirsty, but I draw the line at one louse. No LICED TEA for me!
If a judge grants me immunity from prosecution, I’ll eat this sandwich:
Side point: What does RELISH or an ONION have to do to be CRIMINALIZED? And where are offenders incarcerated? In a secure pantry?
I hope there’s no immunity for anyone who prepares or buys this sandwich:
The most benign interpretation of this label is that the Beagle acts as a serving platter, trotting to your table with neatly arrayed strips of meat on its fur. Surely the Health Department would object? A shudder-inducing possibility is that the Beagle is a component of the meal. In that case, send in a squad of Animal Welfare Officers, stat! Then let the rescued dogs frolic here:
Even if they weigh less than 25 lbs, dogs deserve some fun. So do you, and I hope you had some reading this post.
I was on the way to my accountant’s office (tax time, don’t you love it?) when this sign stopped me cold:
Is the building bragging or warning? I didn’t know and had no way to find out. So too with this sign, which I spotted in Madrid:
Translated, this sign proclaims “GROUP ZERO” in pink and “POETRY AND PSYCHOANALYSIS” in smaller, black lettering. The illustration seems to promise a Freudian experience, but where does poetry come in?
I bet whoever created this sign would answer, “Everywhere!”
Somehow Poetry Alouders, with or without an exclamation point, sounds more joyous than “Open Mic.” Plus, if you read the pink letters aloud, you hear the homonym allowed, which makes a better statement than this ad does:
Perhaps this landlord should have a chat with the ARTIST RESIDING IN BUILDING. Fear of art, as well as fear of nearly anything, tends to dissipatewith human connection. And just for the record — artists, shrinks, alouders, and poets are all welcome in my home.
