Tag Archives: confusing signs

Food Options?

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The title of this post is a question because, well, these menu items are questionable. First up is a sign my granddaughter spotted. Check out the second-to-last line in the first column:

For the record, the topping we chose for our pizza was Cheese, not Grandma. We prefer not to eat relatives.

Nor did I order the last beverage on this menu:

I can put up with lousy tea if I’m really thirsty, but I draw the line at one louse. No LICED TEA for me!

If a judge grants me immunity from prosecution, I’ll eat this sandwich:

Side point: What does RELISH or an ONION have to do to be CRIMINALIZED? And where are offenders incarcerated? In a secure pantry?

I hope there’s no immunity for anyone who prepares or buys this sandwich:

The most benign interpretation of this label is that the Beagle acts as a serving platter, trotting to your table with neatly arrayed strips of meat on its fur. Surely the Health Department would object? A shudder-inducing possibility is that the Beagle is a component of the meal. In that case, send in a squad of Animal Welfare Officers, stat! Then let the rescued dogs frolic here:

Even if they weigh less than 25 lbs, dogs deserve some fun. So do you, and I hope you had some reading this post.

Recommendations

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Today’s post offers recommendations for ordinary people, all levels of government, and the US military. The first is for those seeking entry to this shop:

Should you PUSH or PULL? English generally reads from left to right, so the bi-color message DON’T PULL / PUSH ONLY makes sense. But because the colors create columns, you can also read it as DON’T PUSH / PULL ONLY. I recommend you stand nearby until someone exits. Then simply slip through the open door.

Different store, same problem:

Which takes precedence: the official blue AmX sticker telling you to Push or the green-paper Please DO NOT!!! PUSH THE DOOR? As with the other sign, I recommend you wait for someone else to solve the problem. I also recommend a tax on exclamation points. The first one would be free, with a $10 charge for each additional point. It’s a win-win situation. Either the deficit will plummet or public discourse will calm down. Government officials, are you listening?

Here’s a risky sign I spotted eight years ago. To this day it remains in front of the United Nations:

Obey the wrong sign and you risk a ticket (if you’re lucky) or a crash (if you aren’t). I recommend you park your car and walk.

This recommendation is for the military’s newest branch:

Space Force, we need an investigation into satellites being held above Midtown.

I’d like to end this post on a positive note. Here’s a clear, polite sign sent by my friend Constance:

My final recommendation: send me all the silly signs you spot!

What’s For Lunch?

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In my neighborhood, just about every store that isn’t a nail salon is a restaurant. Thus it’s not surprising that enterprising food purveyors do whatever they can to entice customers, including displaying these signs:

The price of one of these LUNCH SPECIALS ($15) isn’t unreasonable in New York City, especially considering that they’re offering WOODFIRED SANDWICHES, which are . . . well, I don’t know what they are. Bread charred by burning branches? Unemployed victims of forest downsizing?

My friend Catherine sent this one:

I had no opportunity to speak with the SANDWITCH, who I assume was selling a consultation lasting as long as it takes to drink a cup of FREE COFFEE. If I had, I would have asked about the accuracy of the spells in Harry Potter as well as the rationale for enclosing FREE COFFEE in quotation marks. Perhaps the brew isn’t actually COFFEE?

I should note that the prices listed below have increased since I snapped the photo:

Inflation or not, who could resist an offer to DESIGNED YOUR OWN SALAD? Also, 16 oz (ounces) equals one pound. Thus the restaurant is offering a one-, two-, or three-pound salad, each with 1 meat and unlimited vege. I must ask: Who has room for much (many?) vege after eating three pounds of DESIGNED SALAD?

Last one:

If Mom gets Fri, who gets all the other days? I’m a Mom, but I prefer Tuesdays. Can non-Moms get the LUNCH Special on Fri?

My advice is to choose a restaurant carefully, eat well, and in the spirit of today’s MLK holiday, find a way to work for a more just world.

Healthful?

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Shortly after the most candy-full day of the year, it seems appropriate to consider products that are healthful — or rather, products marketed that way. Starting at the top:

Number 1. Okay, I’m interested, but I would like to know the nature of the list this juise man tops. Every cart on the Upper West Side corner where he sells a smoothie that is all natural no sugar no milk? Every cart in the city (or world or universe)? The smoothie itself sounds healthful enough, though again I’d like more information. Lots of unhealthful things are all natural — uranium, for example.

This sign’s from Seattle:

How does one know, exactly, whether bees are happy? From the buzz? Antenna motion? Do NW bees smile? I admit I know nothing about bees‘ moods, but I would have thought they’d be unhappy if someone swiped their honey. Maybe there’s a profit-sharing plan.

Same supermarket, different product:

Plant-Based sounds nutritious, doesn’t it? But I have to ask: Is there a non-Plant-Based Pizza? Made on, say, cardboard or steak?

Last sign, courtesy of my brother-in-law:

Good to know that there isn’t even one Vegan in this Gel. Or perhaps the Gel is Free to any random Vegan passing the salon?

As always, theories welcome. See what you can come up with as you nibble away at your Halloween candy.

Dates

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I keep both an electronic and a paper calendar. That’s a bad system, because I sometimes forget to enter an event on one of them and commit myself to existing in two places at the same time. Thus I’m sympathetic to anyone who messes up a schedule — within limits. These signs definitely do NOT fall within those limits.

Whoever wrote this sign didn’t memorize the “Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November” jingle that I learned in elementary school.

Note to self (on both calendars): Avoid this street every September 31st.

This sign, posted in London, has a similar problem:

I thought the longest night of the year was December 21st, the winter solstice, but apparently it’s 29 Septermeber, which has 3 nights tucked into one date. Or perhaps the road closing begins on 29 Septermeber and lasts until Septermeber 31?

Moving from days to weeks:

There may be Only One NYC RESTAURANT WEEK because that week lasts for a very long time.

This advertisement, which I found in a catalog, stumps me:

I can’t make the numbers add up. From 1983 to 2023, I count 40 YEARS. So far, so good. But how does that connect to aptly named 1963 — a date plastered on all the clothing? Maybe the jackets are half as large as they should be (half of the 40-year span of A WINDPROOF, WATERPROOF LEGEND)? Theories welcome, as long as you send them in before the deadline, which is next September (Septermeber) 31st.

Human — Nature

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The relationship between humans and Nature is fraught at the best of times — times we are certainly not in, as this summer’s storms, wildfires, and heat waves make abundantly clear. Yet we humans hold fast to the illusion of control:

You can fence off a lawn, as the NYC Parks Department did, thereby limiting but not eliminating human access. (The day I snapped this photo, several people had hopped the sagging fence.) But the lawn itself can’t be closed. Somewhere under those beige blades are roots, which are open for business until Mother Nature decides otherwise. Also, the word renovation implies a plan that Nature will follow. That’s an idea in need of renovation.

Another Parks Department sign:

What’s a passive lawn? One that doesn’t photosynthesize? Also, what does an active lawn do? Are any sports truly inactive? (Feel free to post answers.)

Better signs focus on human behavior, as this one from Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo does:

Wisely, the zookeepers aren’t telling the porcupine how to behave. Instead, the sign addresses any humans dumb enough to consider reaching for a quill.

Same zoo, another message for human visitors:

Not only the wolves would be grateful for compliance: I prefer not to stand next to a howling person. How about you?

Non-Moving Vehicles

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For a city well-supplied with public transportation, New York devotes a large amount of signage to parking. I won’t post the ordinary this-is-when-you-get-towed signs (too boring, also sometimes inaccurate). Nor will I dip into history, such as former Mayor Ed Koch’s early 80s “Don’t Even Think About Parking Here” campaign. Instead, I’ll focus on weird elements of the genre I’ve seen recently, such as this one:

Every time I walk past this Garage, I wonder why someone felt the need to insert Temporarily. If the Garage is permanently Full, wouldn’t the sign say “Residents Only” or “Private Parking”? Also, does the sign writer think anything in life is permanent? I certainly don’t, least of all a parking spot in the crowded borough of Manhattan.

Here’s a sign posted next to a train station:

As I read it, you get FREE PARKING on all SUNDAYS & HOLIDAYS, but on only one measly SATURDAY — ever! My advice is to choose your day wisely. You don’t want to blow your free-Saturday card on a ten-minute errand.

Parking signs, by the way, presume a public that actually cares. In New York, that’s not always the case:

It’s a bit fuzzy, so I’ll reproduce the words on the sign next to the car blocking a building entrance: DO NOT BLOCK BUILDING ENTRANCE.

Not only cars bring out NYC rebellion:

Notice all the bicycles neatly lined up in the NO BICYCLES enclosure.

One more:

You can’t go wrong at this intersection. You can’t go right, either, but as I established with the previous two photos, New Yorkers don’t care.

Danger

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The world has never been a safe place, but lately I’ve noticed hints of danger in unexpected places, such as this restaurant, presumably run by the homeowner in “Hansel and Gretel”:

Most of us would agree, I hope, that while TOTS may often be annoying, they should never be classed as edibles, either at home or in a BAR.

Different restaurant, but a similar hint of danger:

What will those hands do if the person they’re attached to actually does satanise them? I shudder to think.

Perhaps the person in the photo below used the “sataniser.” He’s Will Kirk, an amiable furniture restorer on The Repair Shop, which is an amiable television series:

It’s hard to envision Will, a newlywed, in a martial (warlike) home. But according to Hello! magazine, there he is.

Strictly speaking the next photo doesn’t depict danger, but it certainly opens up some awful possibilities (e.g. arteries and veins) for a careless user:

Usually I can figure out what the sign intends to say (Will’s home should be marital not martial, for example), but this one stumps me. The photo depicts neither an ASHTRAY nor a BRA, and 1 Pcs $4 isn’t much help. One “personal computer system”? A “pretentious chopping set”? An item in a “precarious clothing series”? All would be a bargain at $4, I guess.

The last photo, snapped by my granddaughter, has a rather ominous tone:

Why offer a reason and then cross out the crucial word? What’s wrong with cash payment? Germs, counterfeits, an aversion to green pieces of paper? I can’t fill in the blank.

Feel free to send me your ideas. I promise a swift and safe response.

Confusing Animals

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Signs referring to nonhuman animals have occupied my mind this week, setting me on a hamster wheel of confusing possibilities. Clarity, O Clarity, where art thou? Not here:

A few questions: How does one decide whether a Chicken is Smart? Is managing to stay whole enough? Or does a Chicken have to prove its intelligence by refusing to eat artificial ingredients, thereby achieving organic status?

More confusion:

How many PETS actually spend time COOKING BICYCLES? Have those Smart Chickens created a recipe for roasted or braised handlebars? Do they use organic ingredients?

This sign prompts another question:

Can a dog read well enough to follow instructions explaining how to wash itself? Somehow I thought instinct alone would be sufficient.

Last but not least:

This sign seems a bit sexist. I mean, where are male deer supposed to park? And how exactly does the tow-truck driver decide whether VEHICLES belong to a DOE or a stag? Antler gashes on the dashboard? Perhaps the Department of Education will explain the identification process.

I’ll end this post with one clear message and one shameless plug. Message: Be kind to animals, human or not. Plug: If clarity is your goal, check out my online course, “How to Explain Anything,” which will take place on August 19th from 1:00 — 4:00 EDT (10:00 — 1:00 PDT). Enroll at www.hugohouse.org.

Safety First

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This morning, cautiously breathing light brown air while sitting next to an air purifier, I flipped through my photos and realized how many signs concern safety. Not that their messages offer much help. Here’s one from a salon:

Interesting tactic: Brag about what you won’t sell. But which ingredients are on the banned list? Pondering that, I’m more likely to wander into traffic than to keep my body safe from whatever this company won’t sell.

From body to clothing:

Silly me! Here I thought Well Looked After, not to mention Spotlessly Clean, was a given for a Dry Cleaning shop — the equivalent of “Come on in! This room has a floor!”

At least those places take responsibility for their actions. This one off-loads it:

Which PARENTS? Only those in the neighborhood, or every parent in the city (or state or continent or universe)? And which children? Just your own? Or can you ignore a random three-year-old toddling through the gate toward, say, a giant machine digging a huge hole?

It’s all too much. I’m ready for what this sign offers:

It may be the effects of smoky air, but I can’t help wondering if there actually is anywhere with peace of mind these days. If you find such a spot, do let me know so I can travel there From New York. In the meantime, stay safe!

Shameless plug: I’m teaching an online, one-day class called “How to Explain Anything” on August 19, 2023, from 1 – 4 Eastern Daylight Time. See www.hugohouse.org for details.