Tag Archives: confusing signs

Questionable Photos

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These days, when friends ask me how I am, I offer an overly dramatic account of my recent bout with Covid, for which a boxing referee would immediately award Covid a TKO. It’s taken me three weeks to get off the mat . . . er, sofa. (See what I mean about overly dramatic?) Unable to pursue my usual pastimes, I’ve been combing through my backlog of photos. Here are a few I find questionable, in that each gives rise to a number of queries.

Take this one, for example:

Is there anyone walking around with only half a head? If so, are highlights really that person’s biggest concern? Also, if you blowdry half a head, does the other half stay wet?

Next up is a photo snapped by my friend Orli Shaham, a renowned pianist:

Her comment: “They must be delicious after they’ve been smoked.” My question: Is this concert venue affiliated with the restaurant in my neighborhood that keeps trying to hire a grilled man?

In these troubled times, most of us have questions about the future. I certainly do, along with a couple of questions about this sign:

My questions: How much for a regular Palm? And who decides whether someone has a Special Palm?

Last one, an excerpt from a letter a co-op board sent to my friend Constance:

Question from Michael, Constance’s husband: What do we do when we have used up both hands? My questions: Do waived hands hang out with waived rights? Or does the building management confiscate hands that have been waived? Actually, scratch that last question. I don’t want to know.

I do want you to send me photos, if you spot any questionable signs. Be well!

Novid No More

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For more than four years, I was a “Novid” — someone who hadn’t had Covid. Two weeks ago, the little red line finally appeared on my test strip. Feeling not terrible but not great, I spent the short periods of time between naps examining the language of this disease. “I got Covid,” people say, but it seems more accurate to say “Covid got me.” Ditto for “catching”: I wasn’t standing around with a mitt, like a Yankee outfielder. The virus caught me.

As I recovered, I roamed around the Oxford English Dictionary, a word-nerd’s playground. The OED defines “contagious” as “”where the notion of mutual contact is present.” Notion? I didn’t get an idea. I got a sweaty, exhausting experience. Another definition of “contagious” is “charged with the germs of an infectious disease” — as if I’d run up a hefty credit-card bill (crowded subways, theater performances, restaurants) and now had to pay. Fair enough.

This wouldn’t be a proper Grammarian-in-the-City post without a couple of signs. Here’s one from the pre-vaccine era:

Why practicing? It’s not like playing the piano!

Here’s another, same time period:

Nice to know that you can stay on the sidewalk, but your FACE COVERING IS REQUIRED TO ENTER THE BUILDING. Not sure how FACE COVERING will get there, given the absence of legs, but hey, it’s REQUIRED.

Thankfully, that era is over, though Covid is not. We’ve learned to live with it — actually, to live through it, if we’re lucky. I am, and I’m grateful. I wish you good health!

Bargains

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Inflation is real, but bargains still exist. Take this one, for instance, an offer from a coffee shop:

Only $1.95 for a lifetime’s worth of water! The downside is obvious, though. All those plastic bottles are (a) terrible for the environment and (b) time-consuming to uncap.

At first glance, this too is a spectacular bargain:

A refrigerator pre-filled w/Food? Excellent! Or awful, depending on the kind of food in the refrigerator and the customer’s taste. What if you open the 4-Dr to find only brussels sprouts? I happen to like brussels sprouts, but I know some people would prefer to eat almost any other vegetable, including the plastic ones that toddlers play with. And how much food are we talking about? One pork chop? A whole roasted pig? At 27.8-cu ft, this refrigerator could hold either.

“Time is money,” as the saying goes, so this too is a bargain:

Long week.

A WEEK that runs from Aug 11 — Sept 11 gives you thirty days for the price of seven. Not bad. Unless, of course, you get paid by the week.

This sign is from a store specializing in bargains:

Not to be a party pooper, but how can something cost More & Less A Dollar? I suspect the shop owner means More or Less A Dollar, but that’s not helpful either. Every price in the universe is More or Less than A Dollar. And if you apply that formula, does an item that sells for $10 elsewhere cost $11 or $9 here?

I’m shopping for another bargain: your photos of silly signs. Send them to me at grammarianinthecity@outlook.com. For me they’ll be free — truly a bargain.

Unlikely

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Living in New York City has taught me that just about anything is possible. I’ve witnessed — really, I have ! — a pedestrian taking advantage of a rainstorm to shampoo her hair, a subway argument being simultaneously translated into Chinese, Spanish, and Russian by fellow passengers, and a briefcase-toting adult wearing a tutu. Somehow, though, I can’t see the messages on these signs as anything other than unlikely, if not impossible.

First up is a sign I spotted at my local farmers’ market:

I’m not much of a drinker, but I can see the appeal of Locally sourced Whiskey, be it Single Malt or Peated. What makes me groan is Grown. (Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.) Is there a field of Whiskey bushes sprouting near NYC? Near anywhere? Or are we talking about inebriated ghosts who live locally?

My older granddaughter spotted this sign and highlighted the phrase Costumers Only:

Unlikely restriction, for sure. What also catches my attention is the command to STOP UTENSIL SPAM. Is the store campaigning against ultra-processed, canned ham? Unlikely. But so is the only alternative. According to my dictionary, SPAM refers to a large-scale email campaign. Who knew that a UTENSIL could access a computer! I wonder what sort of message a UTENSIL would send out. An invitation to the Tine-Appreciation Society? A public service announcement about sharp plastic knives?

One more:

This restaurant has been Grand Opening since 1991. That has to be a world record.

In the likely event that you come across an unlikely message on a sign, please send me a photo.

Mysteries

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I spend a lot of time watching detective shows. (Side point: Be super alert if you live in or visit a picturesque British village. The murder rate there seems to be extremely high.) On most shows, the answers are clear by the end of the episode. Maybe that’s why I like to watch them: I’m a fan of certainty, which is definitely not a characteristic of the signs in this post.

First up is a notice I spotted on the door of a tenement in my neighborhood. For non-NYers, I should explain that many NYC restaurants, hoping to attract takeout customers, hire people to distribute paper menus to apartment buildings. It’s not uncommon for residents to wade through piles of paper between the outer, unlocked door and the inner, key-only entry. Annoying for sure, but I must admit I can’t imagine any scenario that fits this sign:

DANGER? Really? There might be DANGER if MENUS are present, because someone might slip on an unsteady pile. But surely there’s no DANGER in NO MENUS? Oh, wait! I just thought of a DANGER. With NO MENUS, someone might actually have to cook. But what’s with the graphic on the left? It looks like a cross between the “OK” sign and the “slippery surface” image, and I’m completely stumped.

This one was across the street from my favorite farmers’ market:

First, UWS is short for “Upper West Side,” a Manhattan neighborhood. Second, this sign appears on a store that will begin selling beauty products in SUMMER 2024.. All that is clear. But what is The Viral Hand Cream? A cream containing viruses? If so, which ones? I am not a fan of e-Coli or Covid. Somehow, I don’t think I’m alone in that opinion.

This last sign was taped to a glass-fronted cabinet next to the door of a restaurant. Inside the cabinet was a menu, perhaps banished to that location after putting apartment dwellers in DANGER:

What needs to be in Print? How many copies are required? Who’s supposed to do the job? Does Kinko’s offer onsite visits — photocopying housecalls, so to speak? And why would someone use this method to communicate?

Any and all theories welcome.

Accuracy

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A large number of signs advertise products or services of extraordinary value — or so they’d like you to believe. These more modest and likely more accurate signs are a refreshing counterpoint. First up is a notice posted on a building undergoing renovation:

Who indeed! I’d like to hire that contractor for my next project. The work may drag on, but at least I’ll have advance warning.

Next is a restaurant sign:

PRETTY HEALTHY FOOD is good enough for me, and probably more nutritious than more pretentiously labeled fare (artisanal, handcrafted, bespoke, etc.)

This merchant, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie:

Sign up for this EXCLUSIVE OFFER and receive ten letters, one per month, from the likes of George Washington and John F. Kennedy. The photo quality isn’t great, so I’ll retype the key phrase here: ORIGINAL REPRODUCTION. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’m glad the seller hasn’t robbed the National Archives or hired ghost writers. Actual ghosts, given the dearly departed status of the authors.

Last, and anything but least, is this correction issued by a media outlet in late 2020, before Kamala Harris took office:

Who knew that punctuation was audible to this degree of accuracy? I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth, really. Let me rephrase: I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth. Really.

Food Options?

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The title of this post is a question because, well, these menu items are questionable. First up is a sign my granddaughter spotted. Check out the second-to-last line in the first column:

For the record, the topping we chose for our pizza was Cheese, not Grandma. We prefer not to eat relatives.

Nor did I order the last beverage on this menu:

I can put up with lousy tea if I’m really thirsty, but I draw the line at one louse. No LICED TEA for me!

If a judge grants me immunity from prosecution, I’ll eat this sandwich:

Side point: What does RELISH or an ONION have to do to be CRIMINALIZED? And where are offenders incarcerated? In a secure pantry?

I hope there’s no immunity for anyone who prepares or buys this sandwich:

The most benign interpretation of this label is that the Beagle acts as a serving platter, trotting to your table with neatly arrayed strips of meat on its fur. Surely the Health Department would object? A shudder-inducing possibility is that the Beagle is a component of the meal. In that case, send in a squad of Animal Welfare Officers, stat! Then let the rescued dogs frolic here:

Even if they weigh less than 25 lbs, dogs deserve some fun. So do you, and I hope you had some reading this post.

Recommendations

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Today’s post offers recommendations for ordinary people, all levels of government, and the US military. The first is for those seeking entry to this shop:

Should you PUSH or PULL? English generally reads from left to right, so the bi-color message DON’T PULL / PUSH ONLY makes sense. But because the colors create columns, you can also read it as DON’T PUSH / PULL ONLY. I recommend you stand nearby until someone exits. Then simply slip through the open door.

Different store, same problem:

Which takes precedence: the official blue AmX sticker telling you to Push or the green-paper Please DO NOT!!! PUSH THE DOOR? As with the other sign, I recommend you wait for someone else to solve the problem. I also recommend a tax on exclamation points. The first one would be free, with a $10 charge for each additional point. It’s a win-win situation. Either the deficit will plummet or public discourse will calm down. Government officials, are you listening?

Here’s a risky sign I spotted eight years ago. To this day it remains in front of the United Nations:

Obey the wrong sign and you risk a ticket (if you’re lucky) or a crash (if you aren’t). I recommend you park your car and walk.

This recommendation is for the military’s newest branch:

Space Force, we need an investigation into satellites being held above Midtown.

I’d like to end this post on a positive note. Here’s a clear, polite sign sent by my friend Constance:

My final recommendation: send me all the silly signs you spot!

What’s For Lunch?

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In my neighborhood, just about every store that isn’t a nail salon is a restaurant. Thus it’s not surprising that enterprising food purveyors do whatever they can to entice customers, including displaying these signs:

The price of one of these LUNCH SPECIALS ($15) isn’t unreasonable in New York City, especially considering that they’re offering WOODFIRED SANDWICHES, which are . . . well, I don’t know what they are. Bread charred by burning branches? Unemployed victims of forest downsizing?

My friend Catherine sent this one:

I had no opportunity to speak with the SANDWITCH, who I assume was selling a consultation lasting as long as it takes to drink a cup of FREE COFFEE. If I had, I would have asked about the accuracy of the spells in Harry Potter as well as the rationale for enclosing FREE COFFEE in quotation marks. Perhaps the brew isn’t actually COFFEE?

I should note that the prices listed below have increased since I snapped the photo:

Inflation or not, who could resist an offer to DESIGNED YOUR OWN SALAD? Also, 16 oz (ounces) equals one pound. Thus the restaurant is offering a one-, two-, or three-pound salad, each with 1 meat and unlimited vege. I must ask: Who has room for much (many?) vege after eating three pounds of DESIGNED SALAD?

Last one:

If Mom gets Fri, who gets all the other days? I’m a Mom, but I prefer Tuesdays. Can non-Moms get the LUNCH Special on Fri?

My advice is to choose a restaurant carefully, eat well, and in the spirit of today’s MLK holiday, find a way to work for a more just world.

Healthful?

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Shortly after the most candy-full day of the year, it seems appropriate to consider products that are healthful — or rather, products marketed that way. Starting at the top:

Number 1. Okay, I’m interested, but I would like to know the nature of the list this juise man tops. Every cart on the Upper West Side corner where he sells a smoothie that is all natural no sugar no milk? Every cart in the city (or world or universe)? The smoothie itself sounds healthful enough, though again I’d like more information. Lots of unhealthful things are all natural — uranium, for example.

This sign’s from Seattle:

How does one know, exactly, whether bees are happy? From the buzz? Antenna motion? Do NW bees smile? I admit I know nothing about bees‘ moods, but I would have thought they’d be unhappy if someone swiped their honey. Maybe there’s a profit-sharing plan.

Same supermarket, different product:

Plant-Based sounds nutritious, doesn’t it? But I have to ask: Is there a non-Plant-Based Pizza? Made on, say, cardboard or steak?

Last sign, courtesy of my brother-in-law:

Good to know that there isn’t even one Vegan in this Gel. Or perhaps the Gel is Free to any random Vegan passing the salon?

As always, theories welcome. See what you can come up with as you nibble away at your Halloween candy.