Category Archives: Snotty Comments on NYC Signs

Mocking double meanings and pretentious language on street signs and ads

Time to get to sea

The narrator of Moby Dick explains that when he feels the urge to walk, “methodically knocking people’s hats off,” it is “time to get to sea.”  I know exactly how he feels, because late August in New York has turned me into an even grumpier grammarian than usual.

Two signs illustrate my point. Here’s the first:

What's with the "pre"?

What’s with the “pre”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve become accustomed to reading ads for a “One Day Sale!” that begins on Friday and ends on Sunday, not to mention “pre-Christmas sales” that start on December 26th and last until the following Christmas Eve. But I barely managed not to rip this sign off the window of a store selling housewares and linens. Why should I shop during a pre sale? (And what happened to the hyphen?) I imagine two possible situations: (1) Buy this blanket today, pre sale, for $50.  Tomorrow the same blanket costs $30. (2) The pre sale price of the blanket is $30. Once you buy it, though, you owe the store $50. That’s the price at the time of sale.

I couldn’t resist either scenario, so I bought a silk flower during the pre sale. The price tag read $5.99. The sign over the flower display read “Up to Half Off!” The clerk charged me $1.95. Do the math, as I did, and you’ll discover why a popular t-shirt declares “5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.”

One more, on a Manhattan outpost of a major wireless network:

Where?

Where?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I won’t comment on the fact that the sign unwisely separates Mexico from Latin America, even though Mexico is, in fact, part of Latin America. Instead, I’ll focus on what’s FREE. As written, the sign implies that the caller has to be in Mexico & Latin America to talk and text without charge. Okay, many New Yorkers travel south, so perhaps the sign means that with this wireless plan, they can take their phones and communicate without paying a cent (or a peso or a boliviano or a colon or a something else).  Also possible: New Yorkers can call or text people in Mexico & Latin America from New York – or from somewhere else. I didn’t go into this store, so I can’t give you a definitive answer.

See what I mean about grumpy? If you have a boat I can borrow, please let me know. It’s time to get to sea.

 

Traffic and other problems

Full disclosure: This post used to be a “page” under the heading “Signs of the City.” I’ve decided to change pages into posts, as I include signs in nearly every post and my original notion of two separate categories didn’t work. So if the content of this post Iooks familiar, you’re not hallucinating.

I found myself staring at the sign (from the sidewalk) for several minutes, trying to decipher its meaning. See what you think:

And after 46th Street they turn into pumpkins?

And after 46th Street they turn into pumpkins?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A number of questions arise. First, why “passenger”? If more than one rider is present, is the taxis allowed in the bus lane? Second, what happens after 46th Street? Are any taxis allowed, with or without a passenger, or are no taxis allowed at all? No doubt you are thinking that the people who really need to know what this sign means – taxi drivers – already do, so clarity is unimportant. Not likely. I salute the hardworking, often immigrant drivers who brave NYC traffic daily, but I also know that many are hanging onto the English language with one toenail. I recall the driver who responded, when I asked him to take me to the Port Authority Bus Terminal (a place he had never heard of), “first day this America my.” That’s a direct quote, which brings me to my third question. How likely is it that a taxi driver will cause an accident while puzzling out the rules laid down by this sign?

This sign, on the other hand, is quite clear:

Avoiding double trouble

Avoiding double trouble

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Handwritten, over-taped, and obviously heartfelt. This store wants NO PETS. The owner may discriminate against Fido, but at least the message is unambiguous. The head-scratching aspect comes from the repetition. Did the owner try a simple “NO PETS” line that failed to keep animals away? Or is the owner a proponent of the “more is more” philosophy of life?

Don’t ask me. I haven’t a clue. I haven’t a clue.

 

 

 

House, Home, and Hand

I gnash my teeth whenever I see a restaurant or food store offering homemade pasta, pickles, or whatever. “Who lives here?” I want to ask the waiter or clerk. “Whose home am I eating or shopping in?” But of course I’m too inhibited to challenge someone nice enough to bring me food, even if the same person is overcharging me for my homemade meal. I say nothing and keep my very short, well-gnashed molars to myself.

What the restaurant or store means, of course, is exactly what this restaurant menu states:

House made!

House made! Hand rolled!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of homemade, this orecchiette dish contains house made sausage. (I’d hyphenate the description, but I’m not quibbling.) The sausage is not shipped in, dried or frozen, from a factory somewhere in an area of the country where there’s room to cook ten thousand meals at a time so they can be microwaved one by one in the postage-stamp sized kitchens New Yorkers put up with. The comment about the lasagna in the above menu is even better; the pasta sheets are house rolled. I would buy anything described so eloquently! And before you hop all over me for not noticing that a house can’t roll or make anything, remember metonymy, the figure of speech that allows a closely associated term to substitute for something else – for example, the Oval Office for the actions of the executive who works there.

Another term that pops up all this time is handmade. Check out this sign:

Not sure about the "treatments," but I like the "handmade."

Not sure about the “treatments,” but I like the “handmade.”

 

What beauty products await consumers inside this store?  The sign implies that they are made on the spot, just for you, by a Luddite who shuns machinery. This scenario may even be accurate, though a recent court ruling – I kid you not! – held that handmade bourbon could legally be made with the help of machines, because everyone knows that you can’t make bourbon without mechanical help. Truth in advertising, never a strong point, bites still more dust with this verdict.

It’s enough to make you retire to your  home to drink some handmade booze.

 

 

 

How’s that again?

As a New Yorker, I’m used to oddities. I once waited for the green light on a midtown corner. It was raining hard. A fully-clothed woman standing next to me was calmly lathering shampoo into her hair. No one even blinked – including me. But these signs gave me pause.

First up is this one, which I saw on the window of a toy store:

A sidewalk inside?

A sidewalk inside?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure what bothered me more: the location of the sidewalk or the idea of a private store selling a public sidewalk. Maybe it was the price. Ten bucks for a sidewalk is a real bargain.

And then there’s this notice from the same shop:

Does the stock get dental benefits?

Does the stock get dental benefits?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know that they mean “We are hiring people to work in sales or in the stockroom,” but I’m a grammarian, so I’m picky. It comes with the territory.

One more, from a pharmacy:

How about your "ill being"?

How about your “ill being”?

 

To talk about one’s happiness and health, you need the term well-being (with a hyphen) or wellbeing (one word). When you separate the two, the word well describes being. Presumably the pharmacy isn’t interested only in those whose being is happy and healthy. I’d like to think that they are also committed to people who aren’t feeling well.

That’s enough pickiness for one day. Be well!

Playing Favorites

What’s your favorite color? Pet?  Television show? Whatever? I don’t know, but when you answer one of these questions, I assume you’ve had some experience with a few items in that category and selected the one you like best. Notice the word experience.  Now take a look at this sign:

Coming soon?

Coming soon?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can anyone explain to me how this sign, stuck on the windows of a restaurant still under construction, can refer to “your favorite neighborhood place”? I always assumed something had to exist before it could become a favorite, but apparently not. And no, the sign does not refer to a second branch of another place in the same neighborhood. If Google’s algorithm served me well, there is a Cousins NYC restaurant in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, which may, for all I know, be the favorite neighborhood place of everyone in that neighborhood. But Brooklyn is a long way from the window displaying this sign.

Next up is an awning attached to a doughnut shop:

What's a "bake place"?

What’s a “bake place”?

 

I’m not sure what the dot is supposed to represent – a hyphen, a dash, a period, an ampersand, or something else. I’m assuming that the dot’s purpose is to separate a beverage (coffee) from,  well, from what? What is a bake place? The term brings to mind a stove or perhaps a tanning salon, but those meanings don’t fit here. (Also, doughnuts are fried, not baked.) Maybe bake place is a substitute for bakery?  If so, why not put bakery on the sign?   With an awning like this, I doubt the store will become any grammarian’s favorite neighborhood place.

Fisherperson?

Some years ago, while I was teaching Elizabeth Bishop’s poem “The Fish,” a student stumbled over the proper term for the person who caught the animal. He started out with “fisherm…” and then stopped himself and went with “fisherperson.” Fisherperson? Really? I consider myself a feminist, but even I was taken aback by this word. It was fair, of course, because both men and women go fishing. But it sounded like something a late-night television host would mock. Yet what is the alternative? Fisher? Trout-worker? Marine life catcher? Perhaps letter carrier and firefighter also sounded strange when they first entered the language in place of postman and fireman.

I thought about this issue when I saw this sign on a construction project:

A single-sex project.

A single-sex project.

 

Only men work there? Or are only the male workers dangerous? Neither meaning is likely, so the sign is incorrect. The habit of assuming that a male term is understood to include both men and women – the “masculine universal” – has been out of favor, and for very good reason, for many years. Yet “MEN AND WOMEN WORKING ABOVE” seems artificial. How about “DANGER: CONSTRUCTION ABOVE”? Or, “WATCH OUT! WE’RE WORKING UP HERE!”

Here’s another sign:

No more "busboys"?

No more “busboys”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, busboy doesn’t work, not least because some of those doing this job are a couple of decades past boyhood (or girlhood). I can’t really support busser, as buss is a slang word for “kiss.” Table cleaner isn’t accurate, nor is plate remover. So, I’m stumped. Any suggestions?

The larger point is that language changes slowly, especially when it’s tied to a social movement, in this case feminism. And yes, gendered language matters. Children asked to draw a scene with cavemen hardly ever include women, while those asked to draw cave people more or less balance the sexes. So we do need these changes if we’re to see possibilities and eventual equality. Along the way, though, we may have to deal with some fisherpeople.

 

 

Expensive Words

The old saying, “words are cheap,” isn’t always relevant when it comes to marketing strategy. Add an old word – especially one that appears British – and the price rises. In these signs, holdovers and resurrected terms signal merchandise that costs more and (they hope you’ll think) that is actually worth the extra money. First, pharmaceuticals:

An apothecary!

An apothecary!

 

 

Chain pharmacies – Duane Reed, Walgreens, and Rite Aid in my neighborhood – could never be apothecaries. They emphasize price (as in low) and convenience. In my imagination, an apothecary wears a striped apron and requires a few minutes of polite chit-chat before filling your prescription or directing you to the toe-fungus section. (Not that I have toe fungus.)  In a non-apothecary (the word apothecary applies to both the person and the shop), I don’t expect a discount. I do expect personal service and a gentle shopping experience.

I expect the same in this food store:

Not general items here. Only specialties.

No general food here. Only specialties.

 

 

Doesn’t purveyor sounds better than merchant? About 20% better, judging by the prices for the specialty foods within. Don’t go into this store searching for, say, a box of Wheaties or a Hershey chocolate bar. Instead, look for food with advanced degrees – of both pretention and price.

Every rule has an exception. This store, in NYC’s garment district, sells doo-dads that attach to clothing (buttons, lace, sequins, and the like). This banner features a blast from the past:

Not from a research study!

Not from a research study!

 

 

The term findings  more frequently appears in connection with an inquiry, poll, or research project. In this sign, though, it means “tools or materials used by artisans,” according to dictionary.com. Comparing this shop with others on the block, I found lower prices and slightly scruffier décor in the findings store. (Or should I say shoppe?) Perhaps in this case, the owner modernized neither language nor prices.

I’ll keep searching for strange words, and let you know my findings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Station(a) (e) ry

In an old joke, someone asks, “Do you have trouble making up your mind?” The reply: “Well, yes and no.” I thought of this exchange when I saw this sign on an awning:

StationAry

StationAry

 

I saw this sign on a board in front of the same store:

StationEry

StationEry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The store, which has, to put it mildly, an eclectic inventory, needs a new awning. It sells paper goods and office supplies (stationery), not an adjective meaning “fixed in one place” (stationary).   The sandwich board could use some revision, too, as you can sell  “beauty aids” (objects) but not  “aides” (people who assist).  Still, at “99 Cents Plus,” the price is right, even if the spelling isn’t. See you later. It’s time to go shopping.

 

 

 

 

Gate Keepers

After the last Super Bowl, “Deflate-gate” consumed football fans. Were the Patriots’ footballs too soft during the AFC championship game? If so, who let the air out? I am by no means interested in that scandal or that sport. Traditionally, I go to the movies during the Super Bowl in an attempt to ignore all the hoopla. But I am interested in the suffix -gate. It’s tacked onto various words to signal “scandal” or “wrongdoing plus a cover up” (which is, of course, a fine breeding ground for scandal).

I know the origin of the word, having lived through Watergate – the scandal about a break-in at a Democratic National Committee office that ultimately led to the resignation of Richard Nixon from the presidency. I know this because I am old. But many of those discussing squishy footballs or sitting in traffic (during “Bridgegate,”  the questionable closing of most lanes leading to the George Washington Bridge, a major commuter route to New York City) had not even been born when burglars snuck into Washington’s Watergate complex. So how did they learn the meaning of -gate? My guess is that so many scandals have occurred between 1972 and the present day that the term never had a chance to become history. It has remained in the language because it’s always in use. A quick search for –gate on the Internet turns up dozens alleged scandals on several continents. Some, like Watergate itself, involve serious constitutional issues. Others, like “Bibgate” (champion skier jumps without his assigned bib), do not.

So -gate is keeping up with the times (partly because the Times prints the term fairly often). Which got me to thinking about other words or expressions that have remained long past what I’d have imagined their “sell-by” date to be. This sign, for example, appears on nearly every construction fence in New York:

Did you pay your bill?

Did you pay your bill?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No one sees these signs as banning public displays of electric bills or credit card statements. Nor is the sign interpreted as a demand that Congress keep its laws off our building sites. Despite the fact that this definition of bill – a public notice or advertisement – is old and uncommon, the signs persist. Maybe they need an update, given the number of “bills” plastered over them. I suspect, though, that blank fences will always tempt those searching for free advertising space, regardless of the language used. So why is post no bill still around? Because it’s short? Because it sounds firm – three single-syllable words? My working theory is that “post no bill” is a tradition. It persists because that’s what traditions do. I’m open to other theories, though. If you have one, feel free to comment here.

Just don’t expect me to bail you out if you post your ideas on a bill.

 

What they are really saying . . .

The human mind has a need for completion, which often tempts me to take a sign to its logical conclusion. Logical, by the way, does not mean “intended.” I’m fairly sure that the people who wrote these signs would be surprised where their words led me. Here are a few signs and my responses:

SIGN:

Note that the last two words are italicized.

Note that the last two words are italicized.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RESPONSE: Loitering in front of someone else’s premises is fine.

SIGN:

Low? On Premises?

What kind of prices?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RESPONSE: How nice to pay low discount prices instead of high discount prices.

SIGN:

Accuracy above all.

Accuracy above all.

 

 

 

RESPONSE: If you lie about your age, this product reveals the truth.

SIGN:

No perc? No perc odor?

No perc? No perc odor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RESPONSE: You can have perc odor without the perc? Good to know.