Category Archives: Picky Punctuation Points

How punctuation changes or destroys meaning

Air, Scare, or Simply There

My almost-seven-year-old granddaughter has recently discovered air quotes, the curly-fingered gesture that encloses spoken words in quotation marks. To make an air quote, you bend the pointer and middle fingers of each hand a couple of times, and whoever is listening or watching is supposed to know that you’ve distanced yourself from whatever you’ve just said.  Air quotes are the bodily equivalent of scare quotes, the punctuation marks in written material that separate the writer from the quotation, as in don’t blame me for this dumb opinion or yeah, like I believe that. Both scare and air quotes are gestures of irony or sarcasm. Usually, that is. During my first year of teaching about a million years ago, I used air quotes to tell the class that I was quoting from a text, not using my own words. I didn’t find out until June (June!) that the kids perceived a particularly nerdy wave, not a punctuation mark. Sigh.

My granddaughter tosses out air quotes with abandon. (“I’m ‘nice’ and so are you,” she’ll say with active fingers, meaning that she and I are actually “nice.”) She enjoys the gesture more than its significance. No problem. She’s little and deserves time to experiment. I’m not sure the creator of this sign should receive the same leeway:

Come again?

Come again?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I snapped this photo during New Year’s weekend, when this store and everything around it was closed for celebration or recovery from celebration. I’m still not sure what it means. Is the shop expecting a door bell delivery? Is someone hiding out inside, waiting for a package and not coming forth until the door bell rings? Does the shop owner know that the door bell is broken and “door bell” is a useless phrase?

I’m sure the letter carrier or package deliverer liked the John Hancock squiggle under the last line. I’m also sure that everyone reading this sign pressed the door bell, just to see what would happen. (I did. Nothing happened.) But that’s it. I’m sure of nothing else – certainly not the meaning.  The sign is a mystery. Or maybe I should say a “mystery.” Your theories are welcome – really welcome, not “welcome.”

Grade D+

I’ve written elsewhere (“Missing and Presumed” at http://www.grammarianinthecity.com/?p=311) about dropping the letter D from expressions such as “grill cheese,” “old fashion,” and “never close, open 24/7.” This sign has the opposite problem:

Grilled and Deli Man

Grilled and Deli Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflected light mars the photo, so to clarify, the store is hiring a “Delivery, Cashier, Grilled & Deli Man.” If I take the noun “man” as the center of this statement from a non-equal-opportunity- employer, the other words serve as modifiers. So the store seeks a “delivery man,” a “cashier man” (turning the noun “cashier” into an adjective), and a “grilled and deli man.”

The last phrase leads me to a couple of questions. Does an applicant have to submit proof that detectives placed him in a windowless room under a bright lamp where they grilled him for hours about, presumably, his qualifications for working in a deli? I can hear the boss now: “Pre-grilled applicants save interview time.” Or is the shop hiring a man who has spent some time over charcoal? I shudder at that last possibility. I shudder at the spelling/grammar error too, but less. Much less.

Please tell me . . .

Please tell me that two apostrophes are missing from this sign, and not the verb “are.” Even though it’s unlikely that Fido and Mittens can read, I’d also be happy with direct address, created by a colon after “cats”:

P1010982

 

Please tell me that the employees of this store are not making neat rectangles out of little humans:

Fold how?

Fold how?

 

I understand the “wash” part, as I subscribe to a theory I discovered in an Angela Thirkell novel: that kids are born with a bag of dirt inside that leaks out little by little, beginning anew every time they emerge from the bathtub. But the rest is a mystery. Fold? Doubled over at the waist, or vertically from left to right? Also, what’s with the “n”? Why use this contraction of “and,” which is more a grunt than a word? Maybe the workers are too busy bending kids’ hands and feet (and then keeping the limbs in place) to add the missing letters? And what’s the market for folded babies and toddlers? Okay, as an experienced mother and grandmother, I can actually answer that last question. After a long day chasing little kids around, having someone fold them neatly is, unfortunately, appealing. Wrong, but appealing.

Of Mice and Man

Okay, I lied. This post is about man as a singular form. No mice appear. To be clear, mice appear regularly in New York City, but this post is mice-free. Instead, this post is about man-ly signs:

One guy does everything.

One guy does everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The construction manager must be on a tight budget if only one man is on the job. No wonder there’s danger! I’d cause all sorts of danger too if I had to do all the work myself. (Oh wait – I do have to do all the work myself, but no one ever got a concussion from a dangling modifier.)

Here’s another:

Man and Ladies.

Man and Ladies.

To be fair, this sign should read (1) Gentleman and Lady or (2) Gentlemen and Ladies or (3) Men and Women. Or, judging from the fact that nearly every garment on display in the shop is a business suit typically worn by a man, the sign could also change to Men and Woman.

One more, from an earlier post:

This store sells clothes for one kid. Just one kid.

This store sells clothes for one kid. Just one kid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The placement of the apostrophe signals a singular noun, so the store sells to one kid (no word on the gender). With such a limited market, I’m not surprised that the store is now out of business.

 

 

 

 

What’s in a name?

Google and others are currently investing a billion dollars or so in . . . well, in what? An invention that has, at best, a dubious name.

Now, assigning a name that attracts attention and doesn’t intentionally mislead is no easy task. (I’m ignoring, for now, names whose sole purpose is to deceive consumers – something akin to “Healthy Cigarettes.”)  So consider for a moment the race to develop a car that moves along without an active, engaged, human driver. Of which, judging from what I see when I walk around the city, there are many.

The current leader in the name-race is driverless car. I have a problem with that term. You can’t invent what already exists. True,  humans sit behind the steering wheels of today’s driverless cars, but because the drivers are applying makeup, changing the CD, or uploading to Instagram, the vehicles are essentially driverless.

First runner-up is self-driving car, building on the tradition of self-cleaning oven, self-defrosting freezer, and other devices that replace human labor. In my view, this term is better, but picky grammarian that I am, I question the self portion of the name. Can an inanimate object have a self? If the lasagna drips out of the pan and sizzles on the oven floor (a frequent occurrence in my household), can the oven object? Does the freezer know that I have expired food stored in it? I rest my case.

Then there’s the robotic car. But how to differentiate between the sedan that turns left at the corner while human occupants send out selfies (Look at me! I’m inside a robot car!) and one that moves along, sans humans, to sweep the streets or scoop up poop? Plus, a robot car sounds like just the thing to transport sci-fi creatures that have artificial intelligence, unlimited working hours, and no need for health insurance beyond the occasional reboot.

On to autonomous. I liked this one until I looked up the official definition of autonomous and found that it means “independent,” “operating according to its own laws,” or “not governed by outside forces.” Do I have to mention the hefty DMV manual filled with rules a potential driver is supposed to know before receiving a license?

Not that licensees actually obey those rules. In fact, in tests of driverless, self-driving, robotic, or autonomous (pick your favorite label) cars, accidents occurred for the most human of reasons. Other vehicles – those with a human in charge – didn’t follow the rules. Hardly any came to a complete stop at a stop sign, for example. Non-human operated vehicles sat indefinitely, waiting with machine patience, for their chance to cross the intersection. I’d nominate that last term but  somehow,  somewhere (and probably in New York City) a German Shepherd is tooling along behind the wheel while its human companion considers the pros and cons of doggy daycare and leaves the driving to the canine.

If you have any suggestions for this automotive achievement, let me know. I’m off to walk the streets of Manhattan, self-walking and semi-autonomously. I’ll let you know if I run across any driverless cars, or if any run across me.

How’s that again?

As a New Yorker, I’m used to oddities. I once waited for the green light on a midtown corner. It was raining hard. A fully-clothed woman standing next to me was calmly lathering shampoo into her hair. No one even blinked – including me. But these signs gave me pause.

First up is this one, which I saw on the window of a toy store:

A sidewalk inside?

A sidewalk inside?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure what bothered me more: the location of the sidewalk or the idea of a private store selling a public sidewalk. Maybe it was the price. Ten bucks for a sidewalk is a real bargain.

And then there’s this notice from the same shop:

Does the stock get dental benefits?

Does the stock get dental benefits?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I know that they mean “We are hiring people to work in sales or in the stockroom,” but I’m a grammarian, so I’m picky. It comes with the territory.

One more, from a pharmacy:

How about your "ill being"?

How about your “ill being”?

 

To talk about one’s happiness and health, you need the term well-being (with a hyphen) or wellbeing (one word). When you separate the two, the word well describes being. Presumably the pharmacy isn’t interested only in those whose being is happy and healthy. I’d like to think that they are also committed to people who aren’t feeling well.

That’s enough pickiness for one day. Be well!

Can’t we all just calm down?

In the spirit of “colossal olives,” which is marketing-speak for “large,” I’m seeing language moving up on the intensity meter. Nothing seems to be “good” anymore. Good is the new so-so, and fair is foul these days, as it was in Macbeth. I give my order to a waiter, who replies, “Awesome!” Somehow, the tuna-on-rye, though tasty, does not move me to awe. A simple “good choice” works just fine.

I was thinking about this intensification trend when I saw these signs. Here’s one demonstrating way too much enthusiasm:

Special isn't enough. They're going for "special!!!"

Special isn’t enough. They’re going for “special!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the masseuse feels that much passion, I doubt I want the service offered. The masseuse may be, well, a practitioner in another business entirely. On the other hand, the sign writer, not the masseuse, may be the overly enthusiastic one. After all, Massage Special!!! was on the same street as this awning:

Note the name of this deli.

Note the name of this deli.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder who owns this deli? The artist once “formerly” and then again known as Prince? I also wonder how  employees answer the phone. “Hello, this is !!!!!”? How exactly do you pronounce five exclamation points?

Or six?

exclamation points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to calm, down, people. Or perhaps I should say, in the spirit of the age, “Time to calm down, people!!!!!!!”

Dash to —

In Seattle’s Museum of Flight one wall features photos of important people. Beneath each smiling face you see the date of birth and, sometimes, the date of death. I found this wall unsettling, but not because of the reminder that death exists. It’s hardly a surprise to see a date when someone has “shuffled off this earthly coil,” as Hamlet says. The shock is that the living are represented by their birthdate and then a simple dash into, well, blankness. That dash set me thinking.

A hyphen, the shortest punctuation mark in the horizontal-line category, generally links one thing to another. A first-base coach, for example, is the guy standing near first base. The first base-coach, presumably someone who rode a horse to the game, was likely the earliest baseball guy to determine that runners were too dumb to know whether to steal or stay put. He may have stood near either first base or third. (I’m assuming mid-field help, next to second base, has never been allowed.) Here’s a sign with conjoined, hyphenated descriptions:

one-of-a-kind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


This “build-a-Jewel” bar offers a “one-of-a-kind” and “hands-on” experience.  Hyphens may also appear at the end of a line too short to contain an entire word. In that position, they break the word into two pieces but give a sense of continuation. I wouldn’t mind having my life represented by a hyphen, as I enjoy making connections.

But this is a post about dashes, not hyphens. What copy editors and printers call an em dash is the longest horizontal line. (It’s usually a solid line, but given the limitations of this computer program, I’ll make an em dash out of three consecutive hyphens. What you see depends on the device you’re reading this post on.) An em dash inserts an interrupter into the flow of a sentence: Margot bought ten pounds of cheese — Henry having apparently inherited his food preferences from a rat — and stowed them in her refrigerator. An em dash also indicates a thought that has been broken off, presumably with the possibility of continuing someday: Percival muttered, “I don’t know how she —” and slammed the door.

What I saw in Seattle’s fine museum was a line that was longer than a hyphen but shorter than an em dash, an en dash. (Bowing again to my computer, I’ll use two hyphens as an en dash. As before, I’m not sure what you’ll see.) En dashes show a range, usually from one number (such as a date) to another. They always have a beginning point, but they also always have an endpoint. An en dash is finality writ small; the punctuation mark tells you, beyond a doubt, that what starts must finish: On sale Monday – Thursday! Hurry in before prices double! En dashes close off; they limit possibility. Nothing beats the finality of an en dash, not even a period, which may after all simply divide one sentence from another.

All these nuances of punctuation turn the photos in the Museum of Flight into a statement about life. Left alone, hanging there just after the birthdate, en dashes shout carpe diem, because you’ll be gone. You just don’t know when. Personally, I’d like my birthdate to precede an em dash, trailing possibility like puffs of smoke from an airplane into — well, who knows?  Or, my em dash may be the ultimate interrupter, showing that my little life is an insertion into something much, much bigger. Either way, I’m part of something, even though (in Hamlet’s words again) it’s “the undiscovered Country, from whose bourn / No traveler returns.”

For want of a hyphen, the meaning was lost

Hyphens sometimes seem like relics from the Age of Typewriters, when you had to hit a metal lever to roll the paper to a new line when you reached the right-hand margin, even if you were in the middle of a word. The hyphen told your reader that you weren’t finished yet and that the rest of the word was on the way. (Why do I feel I should explain iceboxes and record players next?) Word-processing programs move the whole word automatically when a margin is about to be breached, so hyphens have lost importance. They’re still around, though, creating compound words. Or at least, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Take a look:

Experienced sales? Sales-help?

Experienced sales? Sales-help?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I caught sight of this sign while I was walking on First Avenue. I doubled back to figure out what “experienced sales” were. Sales that had seen a lot of life and now had a world-weary, been-there-done-that attitude? Sales that know the lady holding a bagel, venti soy latte, and cell phone is automatically bad news? Or was “sales” meant to be read all by itself as a new, nonsexist term for the older terms “salesman” and “saleslady”? A hyphen between sales and help would link those words and clarify the meaning.

All is not lost on the hyphen front, however. Here’s one that works:

 

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Aware to the NYC Information Agency!

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Award to the NYC Information Center!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shout-out to the NYC agency that made one description out of two words, one and stop. Shouts (actually yells) to the laundry that mangled this sign:

 

Laundry machine? Machine press?

Laundry machine? Machine press?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s a laundry machine? Or a hand press? Yes, I know I’m grumpy grammarian again, because I did eventually figure out that machine press is the opposite of hand press. I’m still not over skirt plested in the top right column, but as soon as it stops raining, I plan to run out to buy two politically correct pajams.

To exit on a high note, here’s a truck with three (count ’em) correct hyphens, which create two compound adjectives:

do-it-yourself

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re relocating to New-York (the older form of this city’s name), consider this company. They may ruin your furniture (or you may do that yourself), but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that the hyphens on the truck are in the proper spots.

 

 

 

 

Let Us Punctuate

This sign is behind glass, so I’ll clarify what it says: “LET US SHIP YOUR LUGGAGE.”

Let us ship your luggage.

Let us ship your luggage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I saw this sign, my first thought was  “great idea, but I’ll probably have to mortgage the co-op to take advantage of this service.” My second thought was “why is let us different from let’s?” A sign reading “Let’s ship your luggage” is an invitation to a playdate. We’ll get together, have some wine, and then take turns sticking labels on suitcases. Yet contractions – shortened versions of words or phrases in which an apostrophe takes the place of missing letters – are supposed to mean the same as the full-length expressions they replace. So why is it that when people say, “Let’s do the wash,” they aren’t offering to take a chore off my hands, but a sign saying, “Let us do the wash” excludes me from responsibility? Perhaps the contraction includes the speaker and the person/people addressed, and the full-length version doesn’t.

This was my favorite theory on the difference between “let’s” and “let us,” until I thought of church. When a preacher says, “Let us pray,” everyone is supposed to participate – both preacher and congregation. (I can’t picture a member of the clergy saying, “Let’s pray,” now that the Sixties are over and guitars and interpretive dances have fallen out of favor in religious rites.)

My third thought, in case you’re counting, is that the contraction creates an air of friendship and the unshortened expression adds a sense of formality. The shopkeeper offering to ship luggage or do the laundry is engaged in a commercial transaction. The preacher is acting in an official capacity, calling the congregation to prayer.

Is this the final word on “let’s” and “let us”? Let’s wait and see.