Category Archives: Uncategorized

Can’t we all just calm down?

In the spirit of “colossal olives,” which is marketing-speak for “large,” I’m seeing language moving up on the intensity meter. Nothing seems to be “good” anymore. Good is the new so-so, and fair is foul these days, as it was in Macbeth. I give my order to a waiter, who replies, “Awesome!” Somehow, the tuna-on-rye, though tasty, does not move me to awe. A simple “good choice” works just fine.

I was thinking about this intensification trend when I saw these signs. Here’s one demonstrating way too much enthusiasm:

Special isn't enough. They're going for "special!!!"

Special isn’t enough. They’re going for “special!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If the masseuse feels that much passion, I doubt I want the service offered. The masseuse may be, well, a practitioner in another business entirely. On the other hand, the sign writer, not the masseuse, may be the overly enthusiastic one. After all, Massage Special!!! was on the same street as this awning:

Note the name of this deli.

Note the name of this deli.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder who owns this deli? The artist once “formerly” and then again known as Prince? I also wonder how  employees answer the phone. “Hello, this is !!!!!”? How exactly do you pronounce five exclamation points?

Or six?

exclamation points

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Time to calm, down, people. Or perhaps I should say, in the spirit of the age, “Time to calm down, people!!!!!!!”

Unwinding 5000 Games

In the “what on earth does that mean?” category, here is the latest batch of signs  to stop me in my tracks. Once more I admit (maybe submit?) to the title “Grumpy Grammarian,” but really, what are these people trying to say?

First up is a poster in the window of a small copy shop in midtown:

Window tint print here?

Window tint print here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After three or four visits to this block (no, I’m not that obsessive about signs, but one of my favorite bars is nearby), I finally decided that window tint print is the sort of film that sits on a window and lets some light through — enough light so that whoever buys it can claim that it doesn’t detract from the experience of, for example, a tourist peering through a shrink-wrapped  bus.  I guess imagination applies to the message on the window tint, and protection is the window tint itself. And what’s with the new? Was the old window tint inferior? Nonexistent? Feel free to come up with your own interpretation. Stop by the shop to see whether you’ve guessed correctly. (Then hit the bar across the street. It serves good beer.)

Next up is this neon sign, glowing prettily and selling — well, I don’t know what this store is selling. Does anyone know what “computer color graphic out put” is?

Out. Put.

Out. Put.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re going to invest in neon signage, it might be a good idea to check your message. What are you putting and where, exactly, is out? Maybe they mean that you upload a color image (a graphic) and then it’s printed? Or beamed directly to the intended viewers’ eyeballs? (Targeted marketing, you know, is trending.)

The next sign has the advantage of being crystal clear, if somewhat unwelcoming. Not for New Yorkers those syrupy signs saying “I heart you” or “NYC hearts all those annoying tourists who bump into us natives on the sidewalk or hesitate two nanoseconds on the coffee shop line.” This one displays New York snark, my favorite tone:

 

New York does not  "heart" you.

New York does not
“heart” you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One last sign. I don’t mind being commanded to play. I’m totally fine with the order to dine. But how do you unwind games? And not to be picky (okay, to be super-picky), the sign should read “more than” 5000 games, not “over.” (More than or fewer than is the expression you want for things you can count. Over and under work for quantities you measure.)

unwind

 

 

I’m “minutes away” from giving up on properly written signs. Join me there whenever you like.

Dash to —

In Seattle’s Museum of Flight one wall features photos of important people. Beneath each smiling face you see the date of birth and, sometimes, the date of death. I found this wall unsettling, but not because of the reminder that death exists. It’s hardly a surprise to see a date when someone has “shuffled off this earthly coil,” as Hamlet says. The shock is that the living are represented by their birthdate and then a simple dash into, well, blankness. That dash set me thinking.

A hyphen, the shortest punctuation mark in the horizontal-line category, generally links one thing to another. A first-base coach, for example, is the guy standing near first base. The first base-coach, presumably someone who rode a horse to the game, was likely the earliest baseball guy to determine that runners were too dumb to know whether to steal or stay put. He may have stood near either first base or third. (I’m assuming mid-field help, next to second base, has never been allowed.) Here’s a sign with conjoined, hyphenated descriptions:

one-of-a-kind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


This “build-a-Jewel” bar offers a “one-of-a-kind” and “hands-on” experience.  Hyphens may also appear at the end of a line too short to contain an entire word. In that position, they break the word into two pieces but give a sense of continuation. I wouldn’t mind having my life represented by a hyphen, as I enjoy making connections.

But this is a post about dashes, not hyphens. What copy editors and printers call an em dash is the longest horizontal line. (It’s usually a solid line, but given the limitations of this computer program, I’ll make an em dash out of three consecutive hyphens. What you see depends on the device you’re reading this post on.) An em dash inserts an interrupter into the flow of a sentence: Margot bought ten pounds of cheese — Henry having apparently inherited his food preferences from a rat — and stowed them in her refrigerator. An em dash also indicates a thought that has been broken off, presumably with the possibility of continuing someday: Percival muttered, “I don’t know how she —” and slammed the door.

What I saw in Seattle’s fine museum was a line that was longer than a hyphen but shorter than an em dash, an en dash. (Bowing again to my computer, I’ll use two hyphens as an en dash. As before, I’m not sure what you’ll see.) En dashes show a range, usually from one number (such as a date) to another. They always have a beginning point, but they also always have an endpoint. An en dash is finality writ small; the punctuation mark tells you, beyond a doubt, that what starts must finish: On sale Monday – Thursday! Hurry in before prices double! En dashes close off; they limit possibility. Nothing beats the finality of an en dash, not even a period, which may after all simply divide one sentence from another.

All these nuances of punctuation turn the photos in the Museum of Flight into a statement about life. Left alone, hanging there just after the birthdate, en dashes shout carpe diem, because you’ll be gone. You just don’t know when. Personally, I’d like my birthdate to precede an em dash, trailing possibility like puffs of smoke from an airplane into — well, who knows?  Or, my em dash may be the ultimate interrupter, showing that my little life is an insertion into something much, much bigger. Either way, I’m part of something, even though (in Hamlet’s words again) it’s “the undiscovered Country, from whose bourn / No traveler returns.”

Working to Change That

Maybe it’s because I spent too much of my early adulthood listening to suburban relatives complain about New York City, which was then and is now my home. Maybe it’s because too many people I’ve met on my travels through small towns ask me whether I’ve been mugged, once they learn that I am from New York City. Regardless of the reason, a tagline on public radio really hit me in the gut. With the name changed to protect the innocent, here is what a smooth, sophisticated voice announced this morning on NPR: “Two thirds of diabetics live in cities. Big Drug Company is working to change that.”

Come again? Are they handing out coupons for discount relocation services? Lining up vans at clinics? Hop on. Leave the city! Your blood sugar will be normal again! Is that what Big Drug Company is saying?

The more likely explanation, of course, is that whoever writes for Big Drug Company is grammatically challenged when it comes to pronouns, not an urbanophobe (a term I just made up). That should refer to one noun (either singular or plural), not to a clause such as two thirds of diabetics live in cities. Even when you untangle the grammar, Big Drug Company’s message is still unclear. Has the company sent representatives with insulin pumps to crowded areas? Are employees standing on street corners, waiting to take your blood like some sort of urban vampire squad? Or is Big Drug Company placing posters in subways, urging people to take Big Drug Company’s health advice (and buy its products)? Their contribution to public radio apparently wasn’t enough to buy time for more details.

To be fair to Big Drug Company (not to mention public radio), I must admit that pronouns attract errors the way spilled syrup draws flies. I often see sentences resembling this one: “George told his brother that he was an idiot.” What do you think happened next? Did the brother land a punch on George’s nose, screaming, “How dare you insult me?” Perhaps the brother threw his arms around George and said, “You’re too hard on yourself, Bro. You aren’t an idiot. You’re just stupid.” The vague pronoun he leaves you wondering.

Wondering, like diabetes, drug companies, and interpersonal fights, is not a good idea. I think we should work, as Big Drug Company says, “to change that.”

I’ll let you decide what that is.

For want of a hyphen, the meaning was lost

Hyphens sometimes seem like relics from the Age of Typewriters, when you had to hit a metal lever to roll the paper to a new line when you reached the right-hand margin, even if you were in the middle of a word. The hyphen told your reader that you weren’t finished yet and that the rest of the word was on the way. (Why do I feel I should explain iceboxes and record players next?) Word-processing programs move the whole word automatically when a margin is about to be breached, so hyphens have lost importance. They’re still around, though, creating compound words. Or at least, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Take a look:

Experienced sales? Sales-help?

Experienced sales? Sales-help?


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I caught sight of this sign while I was walking on First Avenue. I doubled back to figure out what “experienced sales” were. Sales that had seen a lot of life and now had a world-weary, been-there-done-that attitude? Sales that know the lady holding a bagel, venti soy latte, and cell phone is automatically bad news? Or was “sales” meant to be read all by itself as a new, nonsexist term for the older terms “salesman” and “saleslady”? A hyphen between sales and help would link those words and clarify the meaning.

All is not lost on the hyphen front, however. Here’s one that works:

 

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Aware to the NYC Information Agency!

One-stop as a single description! Grammarian of the Year Award to the NYC Information Center!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shout-out to the NYC agency that made one description out of two words, one and stop. Shouts (actually yells) to the laundry that mangled this sign:

 

Laundry machine? Machine press?

Laundry machine? Machine press?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s a laundry machine? Or a hand press? Yes, I know I’m grumpy grammarian again, because I did eventually figure out that machine press is the opposite of hand press. I’m still not over skirt plested in the top right column, but as soon as it stops raining, I plan to run out to buy two politically correct pajams.

To exit on a high note, here’s a truck with three (count ’em) correct hyphens, which create two compound adjectives:

do-it-yourself

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re relocating to New-York (the older form of this city’s name), consider this company. They may ruin your furniture (or you may do that yourself), but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that the hyphens on the truck are in the proper spots.

 

 

 

 

No problem? Problem!

In the supermarket where I have shopped for years, I hand my money to the cashier, and she returns my change. “Thank you,” I say, as I always do. She replies, “No problem.” No problem? Yes, I know that it is not a problem for her to give me my money. The change belongs to me, and it’s her job to return it. How is there no problem in doing one’s job? I think all these things, but I don’t say anything because I’ve known her for years, and she’s a very nice lady. I walk out of the store wondering why the old response to thank you, which is you’re welcome, has faded and why no problem has taken its place.

I have a couple of theories. The swiftest glance at the news immediately reveals that “problem” is the word of the day, every day, in pretty much every part of the world. I don’t know how you feel, but increasingly I have the sense that I can effect very little change (of money or anything else). Perhaps no problem has become a way of saying that yes, in this area I’m in charge, and there’s no problem I can’t fix. The tiny assertion of control in this sense can be powerfully comforting.

Another possibility arises from the fact that customers in New York City are not known for their placid, patient demeanor. A “New York minute” lasts about five nanoseconds, and the chin-out, baseball-cap- twisted-backwards style of confrontation was invented here — or, if not invented, at least perfected. So thank you may be a nice change, a respite in the semi-mythical land of no problem. Maybe no problem is short for I have no problem with you, though I do have problems with pretty much everyone else.

You’re welcome may have lost favor because it comes from a different time and emotional place.  Perhaps it implies that you are here, and I’m glad you’re here, and you are welcome to this service, however small. In this struggling economy, that’s a good statement for a business owner to make. But it’s a stretch for staff who are overworked (how many layoffs have dumped additional tasks on remaining employees?) and underpaid (where did unions go?). Gratitude for having a job may be overwhelmed by anger at the amount of  work and compensation.

I can’t leave this topic without mentioning the equivalent terms in Spanish, as I’ve just returned from a week in Madrid. “Gracias” is the Spanish word for “thanks.”  The root word is related to “grace,” “gift,” “ease,” and “humor.” The response in Spanish is “de nada” (“of nothing,” literally) or “nada” (“nothing”). A variation is “no hay de que” (“there’s nothing to speak of”). Gracias implies that the person being thanked has been given something joyful. The responses signal that really, nothing much happened. In other words – there’s no problem.

For the record, I favor a return to you’re welcome. I’d like to believe that the store employees want me there, and not just for my business. Yes, that’s delusional, but it’s also human.

Firefighters v. DOT

There seems to be a fight going on within the New York City government, a statement equivalent to “water flows downhill.” In this instance, the fight is about parking (ditto on the water-flow comment). The fight plays out on signs posted around the city. According to the Fire Department, you cannot park at anytime” – one word:

Here you can park "anytime" - one word.

Here you can park “anytime” – one word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the other hand, DOT, the Department of Transportation, goes for “any time” (two words): 

Now you can't stop for "any time" - two words.

Now you can’t stop for “any time” – two words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which is correct? The Fire Department. As one word, anytime means “at any point in time – now, an hour from now, half past never, etc.” As two words, any time means “an amount of time,” as in “Do you have any time to waste looking for a parking space?”

The same formula is true for sometime and some time. You can come up and see me sometime (whenever you choose) to spend some time (an amount of time) with me. Well, actually you can’t. I’m shy.

 

The News Are Not Good

I can live with data as a singular noun, though strictly speaking the singular form is datum, and data is plural. I do live in the real world and understand that the data are clear sounds wrong to most people. So I shrugged and turned the page when I realized that my favorite newspaper, The New York Times, has begun to treat data as singular. A recent headline stated something like The Data Is Grounds for Optimism. Maybe in economics, I thought, but not in grammar and style.

I draw the line, though, at politics (on so many levels, but in this blog I’ll stick to grammar). On September 19, 2014, the Times quoted Charles de Gaulle: “Politics are too serious a matter to be left to politicians.” Charles de Gaulle was a French politician, so in an effort to be fair, I wrote to my friend Jacqueline, who has been recognized by the French government for her dedication and service to the teaching of the French language. I asked her whether politics is a plural noun in French. Her answer came immediately:

Bonjour Gerri,

La politique  – singular feminine

Have a great day,

Jacqueline

I’m left with a few possible conclusions: (1) Charles de Gaulle got it wrong and made la politique plural or (2) the translator blew it or (3) the Times reporter thinks the English word politics is plural. I’m hoping for the first, because de Gaulle is dead and can’t mangle any language in his current condition. The second possibility is bad, but not terrible. New translators can be hired. But the third option is a grammatical disaster. Please, NYT, inform your reporters that the news is important (not are), and politics is too. Not to mention English usage.

A Phabulous Invention

As a grumpy grammarian, I’m supposed to tsk-tsk changes to the language by anyone other than Shakespeare, but my reaction is more complex. I’ve been on the Internet since techies were trying to decide between “dot com” and “period com” to talk about websites. I sat on the sidelines when other grammarians waffled between “mouses” and “mice” for the plural of a computer mouse. Fortunately, the touchscreen showed up and rendered the issue moot.

I do object to the name of the latest must-have device, the “phablet,” a cross between a cellphone and a tablet, with, as far as I can tell, the worst features of each. Who named this device, which sounds like a tweeted tale by Aesop? A couple of people have claimed the credit or blame, depending on your point of view.

Yet I can’t help feeling that some computer terms have enriched the language. “The default is that we get up at 6:30 a.m.,” my early-bird husband says. “Time to reboot,” I’ll say when we’ve been stuck in a way of thinking that isn’t going anywhere.  I love words that slip from the machine to real life. Soft boot, hard boot, and even  humanware specialist are interesting concepts. I definitely need a hard boot on Monday mornings but a soft boot after work.  As I try to unravel the directions for a new piece of software, explanations from a humanware specialist help. (Not a techie? A hard boot occurs when you turn the computer on and the whole thing starts up, having been off duty for some length of time. A soft boot resets part of the system of a machine that’s already running. A humanware specialist trains people to use technology.)

Then they are the prefixes. The lowercase i  hasn’t been this popular since the first teen poetry magazine was published. Thanks, Apple, for giving us iPads and iPhones; I assume that iAddiction is next. Thanks, programmers, for popularizing kilo-, mega-, giga-, tera-, and peta- as prefixes for bytes.  After mining the ancient Greek language, techies have turned to fabricated word parts. (One prefix, yotta-, pays homage to the Star Wars’ character Yoda.) The amounts these prefixes represent seem unimaginable, except that techies have not only imagined them but also attempted to make the terms comprehensible. Did you know that the sum of five exabytes equals the number of all the words ever said during the entire span of human existence? (Source: highscalability.com)

And in this age of ecology, who could object to recycling old words to describe new situations? Such repurposing builds bridges between virtual and ordinary reality. You don’t function well when you have a virus, for example, and neither does your computer. Sadly, most human infections can’t be countered by an antivirus regimen. We just have to accept the downtime. Oh, for an escape button!

Everything new will be old someday, and everything old does not necessarily return. But as you’re tapping a stylus on your tablet, spare a thought for the ancient scribe scratching on a wax tablet with a different sort of stylus. You’re both likely to have sore forearms and fingers, just as you’re both likely to change the language. And in the end, that’s mostly a good thing.

See you in the cloud.

Following Guest?

Some years ago, I stood on Fifth Avenue waiting for the next convoy of buses to arrive. (FYI, Car People: New York City buses travel in packs, apparently under orders to stay within sight of another bus driver at all times.) I remarked to a fellow potential passenger that I was going to be late. “I can’t be late,” he replied. “I’m a physician. I’m ‘delayed,’ not ‘late.’” So I get why doctors have patients, because patience is what you need when your healer is attending to someone else’s life-threatening condition or waiting for public transportation.

My lawyer and accountant have clients, but the stores in my neighborhood have customers — or at least they used to (more about that later). Why the difference? The official definition of a client is someone who receives services. A customer, according to several dictionaries I consulted, pays for goods or services. The term client seems to elevate the service provider to the status of a professional, someone who’s chosen a career path and studied mightily for the qualifications to practice it. (Why practice, by the way? Haven’t they perfected their skills by now?)

I realize, of course, that value judgments are all over these words. Plenty of people who have spent years learning a craft or trade and decades pursuing it have customers. When I drop off clothes at the dry cleaners, for example, the hardworking people who run the place manage to remove all sorts of stains and spruce up my garments, all the while smiling at their customers and staying on the right side of the many laws that regulate their business.

Now “trending,” as they say on social media, is guest. Hotels used to have customers or clients, but now they have guests. Okay, you stay overnight somewhere, they take care of you and at least in theory try to make you comfortable. Those activities do fall into the category of hospitality, so I can live with guest when it comes to lodging. But employees at my favorite frozen yogurt place now bid the “following guest” to step up to the little scale to weigh each portion of empty but oh-so-tasty calories and compute the price. How am I a guest when I have to pay for this product? Should I extrapolate and charge for the asparagus at my next dinner party? I imagine the corporate expert who wrote the script for this frozen-yogurt franchise. “Let’s create a cozy atmosphere! Everyone will feel like a guest in our home and eat more yogurt,” they say in my fantasy, although how anyone could live with three flat-screen televisions displaying tween sit-coms and a color scheme that could most mercifully be called garish is beyond my comprehension.

My recommendation: Make everyone (patient, client, guest) a customer. Because, as we all know, the customer is always right.